Doors

What is a door?

A piece of hard wood dividing a room from another?

I suppose so. 

I recall having discussed an essay entitled On Doors by Christopher Morley in our World Literature class back in Nursing. I tried digesting every bit of the essay and breaking down the meaning of the words and the essence of the whole piece. The reality was and still is that the piece was relatively simple and easy to understand. Not much analysis must be made to interpret the essay. It was pretty much straightforward. Doors are meant to maintain our privacy, letting our secrets remain secrets. And I have to be honest, I love them.. especially when they have functional locks. 

I speak of this because I've just felt the need of locking my doors lately to send a message to my family. You see, in our house, knocking is not a habit. They just barge in. It wasn't until my brother got married that an ounce of manners about privacy was introduced but for me it is too little of an effort to be accounted for. Case in point, my mom used to read our text messages when we are asleep. I feign sleeping one time when I heard her walk into our room and I caught her reading our messages. Yes, that's our mom, the parent who should have set good examples. She didn't. Apparently, she's never a good example and I've learned not to imitate whatever she's doing. But that's a totally different topic. Anyhow, it is then expected that before you enter the door, you knock. That's one thing that my family can never seem to learn how to do. 

As of this moment, I've been invaded so many times that I can lose count already. O_o 

And I Write Again.

I remember telling myself that I shall not write again. Apparently, I forgot to promise myself not to write again. I just settled for a decent sabbatical. After all, two years of being an editor-in-chief as an extracurricular activity for a cum laude student nurse wasn't a joke. It was stressful trying to balance out the academics and plotting and following through with the great plans for the publication. Needless o say, it took a lot from me and I needed appropriate amount of rest. So, I declined the offer of the Medicine Student council president to be part of the supposed Medicine publication, Sulo. I was really tempted but I ended up deciding to give myself a break. I knew that if I accepted the job, I would end up in the same fate. I also know for a fact that it's not in my personality to just do everything in a mediocre fashion. It has to be grand. Even if I convince myself that it is not necessary and I should not do things in such grandiose levels, I can only last for a couple of hours or a day at most. After the forced display of discipline, I revert to my old form of intense obsessive compulsiveness and I find myself trying to make everything with a bang. That said, this time around, I must practice complete discipline and resist trying to join the publication. And to do that, I convinced myself that I should avoid writing altogether. After all, my skills deteriorated after being exposed to a lot of erroneous and juvenile "masterpieces". So, there. I stayed away from one of my passions - writing.

Well, at least I tried. 

It was restarted a little bit when I started blogging once again. I've kept a blog since 2005. I had it running ever since and it has reached at about 1,000 posts. It used to be a public blog but after a messy occurrence, I decided to make it private with only few trusted eyes being able to chance upon the content. It was working for me. I don't need to have that expecting feeling towards the things I express. In a sense, if I make something accessible to the public, I would be longing for that sense of affirmation that I've grown a bit accustomed to. Making it private eliminated the feeling of "pressure". However, it also eliminated the feeling of communication and my initial purpose of keeping a blog. I wanted to use it to update my friends with the things that I am doing especially when it reached a point that we became too busy or our schedules were too different to sustain a decent communication pathway. In simpler words, when we are not able to update each other with text messages, I see blogging as a feasible way. Thus, I created another blog - this blog. Which has public access. I place some random stuff here that I believe would be safe to share with others. I haven't done something academic or that intellectual lately. I'm trying to lay off those things because I was saturated with them back when my term. And I was planning to keep it that way.

However, things didn't go as planned.

During the Medicine Week, we sort of had some free time. I was supposed to rehearse for Medwards when one of my classmates encouraged me to join the University of Santo Tomas Medicine Alumni Association (USTMAA) On-the-spot Essay Writing Contest. I was skeptical at first. It has been a while since I joined a competition. At the same time, I was trying to lay off writing for a while. But I have to be honest, I missed it. Anyhow, I pushed through. I didn't really care about winning. I just missed that feeling of being able to write again and I was really happy to be reliving that feeling. I sort of felt the same zest that I felt back when I was in grade school. It's like it doesn't matter anymore if you're output sucks, just as long as you are writing and expressing yourself. It was really nice to have a feel of that again after being so trapped in the obligatory writing process.

Thereafter, we just went on with our med school stuff without really minding the results. My friend and I brought it up once but we didn't bother asking the organizers for the results anymore. In my mind, I didn't really care. I got my reward already. I got the flame back. :) It actually reached a point where I was asking about the offer that the Medicine Student Council President gave me back in June. I was thinking of having a little journalism in my life once more. However, the publication was shut down and it was a whole different story that doesn't really deserve much space here. Anyhow, I resorted to some writing in the blogosphere as my outlet from time to time. Well, it kept me sane from Med anyway. :) So, I just continued with my daily routine until one day, I saw my name posted as a 3rd placer in the contest.

Well, that's a cherry on top. So, tomorrow, I'll be attending the awarding ceremonies of the USTMAA. I don't really know if I should attend. I don't feel like I really deserve to attend it. I mean I think they'll just be awarding the 3 of us and the board topnotchers. I hope the 1st placer and 2nd placer show up. Otherwise, that would be weird. Anyhow, we have to be in our barongs and thank goodness I just had one made for my brother's engagement! I'll try to look as normal as possible later. As for now, I'll study Biochemistry. I want to make it really good. I just computed my grades, I think I'm not going to make it to the Dean's List anymore and that's just sad! :( So, I'll make do with what I have and bid you a goodbye!

Sorry for the lengthy post! Haha!

Update (Clip Notes Version)

My brother just got married. It was before the hell week of an exam week started. I'm so freaking tired and I don't know what I am going to do. :)) Haha

Old Habits Die Hard

Yesterday, I got so conscious with my grades that last night, I really tried finalizing my excel and input all of my scores in quizzes in their respective places. Yes, I was on GC mode again. The results of the exam was a bit devastating that I just can't help but compute for my grades to see how badly I faired for this shift. Needless to say, it was really bad. I was thinking of ways that I may somehow save my downward spiral for the 4th shift. I suppose I should really work it out now. I have to prioritize and ensure that I won't back down. Let's see what will happen. Hopefully, things go well.

Oh. Yeah. Another thing that died hard was the habit of binge eating. Yes, you guessed it right. I did that again last night. I really need to get decent outputs. Otherwise, I'll fall into the dooms of depression. :( 

Burning the Midnight Lamp

I hate where I stand right now. I'm not used to being in a lag state and having to chase after my schedule just because I failed to accomplish things that I should have done way back.

As of the moment, I'm trying to study Biochemistry but I am taking a longer than normal time and I still have a class in a little while. I am not a fan of this situation but I have to deal with it. Not to mention, I didn't do really well in the last 2 quizzes and the departmental examination. Add to that, my samplexes were wrong. O_o I hope things go for the better.

So far, 3rd shift was another landslide. (This is still 3rd shift). Yet, 4th shift seems to be promising. Let's see. :)

Last Stretch

It's everywhere and I really hate it.

I can see it in places I've never seen them before.
I should not gain weight. I don't have the warrant to do so. I mustn't then.
It's just difficult. But it's possible.
Nothing is impossible.
It will be the last stretch that I shall ever see.
I hate the remnants but I can't imagine having more.
I'm hoping that a retreat would allow it to retire.
Oh well, reality sucks.
But I think I have much incentives for anorexic attacks.
I just wish I could fight through the half-baked bulemia.
I can't seem to get myself to gag. Haha.
Crap. I'll just do what I can.

Prolonged fasted state, here I come.

Baggage

When there is too much to carry, sometimes, you just can't help but think of losing it all. You just want to be free of the burden that's bringing you down and holding you back from becoming the person you want to be - the person you know will represent a better you.

Baggage. How much does one have? How long can one carry this "baggage" throughout his or her life? A mere thing from the past which should have been left in the past manages to persist and exist in one's present. Could it make you better or give you guidance? Or perhaps it holds you back or worse, bring you down?

Baggage.
We all have it.
The question is, what do we do with it?

Effort

I told myself that I would try to blog as much as I can for this year and hopefully, for the years to come. Reality is, I've been blogging ever since 2005 - just not in this blog.

Side note: I'm tying using a desktop and I kind of forgot how accustomed my fingers are with typing from a desktop. I am still having a hard time adjusting to my MacBookPro. The keys are different and apparently a bit delicate. Anyway...

Somehow, it seems to my soul that, over the years, I am finding it really hard to express anything at all. I find it hard to put into words what I really mean. Perhaps I was given numerous options of self-expression. However, it puzzles me that the primitive option is now deemed insufficient to fill the gaps. Well, from time-to-time, there'll be that sporadic surge of verbal orgasms but apart from that, it's just deafening silence. Somehow, I feel as if I am no longer in touch with my writer side. There are moments when I no longer react to intense grammar errors. Heck, I am even starting to commit major grammatical shitness from time to time. And I don't even catch myself whenever that used-to-be-rare circumstance grace my friends' egos.

So, here I am trying to blab about abstract things in a flight-of-ideas manner just so I can preserve whatever is left of my writing prowess - if it ever did exist.

A letter... Just because I have to...

To whom it may concern,

I still can't fathom on how you were able to do that to me. Heck! I can't even imagine how anyone could ever do that to anybody. How could you dump me on Christmas Day? How could you do everything you did? You've made the circumstances worse, you added insult to your injury. I am trying to understand how could my friend be so heartless and act like a complete stranger to me.

I don't know what you were thinking sending me a message about your "problem" that day. I don't know what you were thinking when you decided to disclose whatever it is that's going on with you. I don't know what you were thinking when you've decided to end the possibility of us being together just because you were confused/shocked/overwhelmed with what happened to you. I didn't know that you had the capacity to lie and tell me that you're just friends when he's clearly, in your words and in your parents' eyes, courting you. I don't know why you would decide to break my heart on Christmas Day. I never had anyone make me feel so rejected ever. At least when the previous girl who broke my heart dumped me, she had the audacity not to do it on Valentine's Day or whatever special occasion. I was doing well before you've messaged me. I was enjoying my day. You just ruined everything.

I was set not to pursue any girl. I planned not to fall for anyone or let anyone in. I should have pushed through with the plan because letting you in was the biggest mistake I made. I wanted to give love a chance. I wanted to open my doors to the possibility of a relationship as long as it was with you. I never thought you'd break my heart. I never thought you would... in this manner. I would have accepted a different ending. I would have wished for a better warning. I just never saw this coming... especially not from you.

I don't know what's up with you right now. I don't know how things will be. I just know that right now, you've hurt me more than I could ever imagine and I would never want to be friends with you. I don't even want to see you. I hope you get what you deserve. I'm gone in your life. I just wish I you could easily be off my mind.

It's unfair.

You were unfair.

I'll find a way to make my life better somehow..

And I hope that the next girl I am going to fall in love with will be the last.

My heart is too fragile to be wasted by your kind.

I just really hope God gives you what you deserve.

And yeah, don't apologize. It's expired. I can't forgive you. I'm just hoping to forget you.

Scribbling Again

At the moment, I should be studying.. or perhaps sleeping. Tomorrow, classes resume. I don't want to go back to the hell that is med school but I have to. I don't know how I would do and how I would be tomorrow. Somehow, I feel as if I still don't have the strength. I tried not to grieve and just go on and move on with what happened. Apparently, I underestimated how much it meant to me and how much it hurt me. There are some moments when I just want to stop everything and break down and cry. It hurts more than I thought it would. A part of me wants to get even. But I know better than to do that. I just hope I don't show a sign of this. Haaay. Avoidance brings about no good. Thus, I must cope somehow.. I suppose this would be one of the ways..

Rebirth

What if life was just like the 4 seasons?

We would have a balance of everything. We would experience the warmth of summer, the despair of fall, the scarcity of winter and the blessing of spring. We would have a taste or a share of everything and a chance to retire to our beds knowing that someday it will surely come around - that a new beginning was possible. 

Somehow, I wish for this to be a reality in my life. I hope that I can experience the blessings that I see in spring - rebirth. I must admit that 2011 was quite a challenge for me. I've met a lot of trials and tribulations that struck me to the core. There were a lot of people that I've met and had crossed. Some hatchets were buried and others were kept until this very moment. I allowed myself to fall and had no one catch me at the end. Worst, she even dug a whole to bury me deeper. I tried to maintain my academics but I seem to have failed on that. (Although the academic year is not yet done.. So, I shouldn't and I wouldn't want to seal that conclusion).

However, I shouldn't also ignore the good things that happened. I graduated with honors, passed the board exams and released the necessary issues of Nursing Journal. But to be honest, it seemed as if it's more bad than good and I just want things to be better. I want to reconnect with my roots, myself. This would be a year dedicated to myself and making myself better.

I just hope that I could do this the way I should be doing. :)

How It All Ended

Here's the conversation. I'm blue, she's red.

Still up?

Yeah. Sup?

Merry christmas mervs!

i need some advice okay lng magtext tayo?

Merry Christmas! Yes, what is it about?

About elton? Sorry kung sau ko sinasabi. Ok lng ba sau? Insensitive ba ako sau? Wala na kasi ako makausp.. But it is ok kung yaw m.

Nandyan na. Nasabi mo na. Nanliligaw ba?

Sorry... Cge. Nevermind... So insensitive of me... Ok lang naman. Have a happy christmas! :D

Nah. It's okay. We're friends anyway. What's up? Nag-aakyat ng ligaw? If you like him, entertain mo na. Nakwento mo dati kung gaano siya kaokay

Ndi siya nanliligaw. He wants me to b his gf. Im really shocked. N i dnt know what to do. Sobrang bilis ng pangyayari.ndi ako umoo ofcourse i need time to think. Ang bilis. Tapos huling isap nmin knina na ok n kami but now ndi siya nagrereply and wala n siyang fb account or ndi k n siya friend sa fb. Ewan ko.

Wow. That's.. Incredible.

Kilala mo na rin siya ng matagal tagal, di ba? It's really up to you. If you see him in that manner, then give it a shot. Pero, isip ka na lang ng mabuti. As for how he is reacting, maybe he's going through some stuff and he'd like to be alone for a moment..

So weird... Ang bilis ng lahat. I dnt know.. I also need time to think. Ndi ko naman naisip na magkakagusto un sa akin eh. I never thought that way sa kanya. Ewan.. Hai..

yah... Maybe he needs time but its really unfair...

Sabi ko nga sayo, I think he likes you... It is.. But life isn't always fair..

Ndi ko lubusang maisp... Ndi kasi ako yung type na girl niya. Totally oposite.

Well, you're not exactly unlikable either. Plus, the proximity. Would you want to talk about it? I can call.

Ndi n. May tao dito. Idnt want them to hear bout it.

i dnt know... Nagulat ako sa knya..

Ok. At least alam mo na ngayon.

Bkt... Bkt ako pa.. Hai..

What made you say or ask that?

Kasi ok naman na friends kami.

saka ndi naman ako likable. I dnt get it. Really..

Tingin mo ba tatanda kang dalaga? X.x

Ndi naman. Gusto ko naman magasawa noh. Saka yaw ng parents ko na maging kami. He's filipino remember..

Bawal ba? Some allow na kasi. Anyway, gusto mo mag-asawa, pero you don't think someone would like you?

Uhm.. Ndi sila strict pero they prefer chinese. And kasi nagbigay ng flower si elton so tinanung nila kung nanliligaw. So ang sinabi ko na lng oo. And their reaction is not good. Yaw ni mama..

I see..

Hai.. Bahala na.. Itutulog ko na lng. Cant stop from crying.. Thanks mervs! I appreciate it. Sobra...

and maybe i think we're better as friends na rin.. im sorry...

Yeah. Of course. He's your best friend and you really care about him.

Sige, itulog mo na lang if that's what you feel like doing.

Sure.

Okay. It's okay. At least you're being honest right now at hindi mo na rin pinatagal. Good night. Merry Christmas.

Goodnight mervs! Thank you so much for everything. Merry christmas!

Heartbroken on Christmas Day

I was just playing the PSP when I received a message from her. I knew it was something weird. Then, she mentioned about Elton. Yeah. On Christmas day, she opened up about her problem with a friend. How convenient. And I was spending my time playing the PSP because I didn't want to be drowned in my thoughts... Because I was at times thinking about her. I didn't want to fall. I didn't want to invest too much because I knew that it might end up in nothing. But I guess that's just mission impossible. Because I knew that I liked her. I just didn't know how much... Until today, when she broke my heart. I finally learned how much I've suppressed the feelings that I could have for one girl... Just because of my past.

She opened up with a message asking if I could talk to her because she needed someone to talk to.

Yes, of course, that was always my role and field of expertise... listening to problems and trying to help whoever I can. I said yes... Only to be surprised with what she replied: It was about Elton.

I knew it. He's courting her. I don't know why she never thought that it would be weird for me to hear this. When she did, it was too late. I told her to just tell me.

He wants to be her boyfriend. Wow. Okay. What's next then?

She didn't say yes. She's confused.

We went on talking and etcetera.

Until her final text....

I think we should just be friends too. I'm sorry. Okay. Thanks.

Yeah. You broke my heart on Christmas Day 2011. Let's end it this way.

Wedding Bells Are Ringing... Again

Finally, I get to blog again because it's the Christmas season. This means that I still have a Christmas vacation. With the challenges of med school, it's quite difficult for me to find the time to blog and express what's on my mind. Anyway, here's the latest update.

My brother (the second brother whom I call DiHya) just got engaged and he's going to get married on January 15. His fiance seems to be nice. We don't know her much yet, really. My brother sort of made sure that we didn't know any of her girl friends especially when he broke up with the one that he introduced to us. It was weird, of course because the girl was quite close to us. So, when they broke up, it was just sad and all of the sudden. After that, he never introduced any of the girls to us. Well, that was until he was about to marry her. :) She's okay. But as usual, there's always a point of disagreement and argument and the shit has just introduced itself to us. Ack. January 15 is the day. Good luck to my brother.

... And I guess I forgot to write while I was drowning of wallowing melancholy that only med school can bring.