Answer

All I needed was that answer and when I get it, I'll know what to do with my life. 

I've been pondering about where we stood for quite some time. Did she really want to end things? Everything just seemed so real for me and it hurts to think that it's actually just a fantasy. I know we've talked about it before and we've agreed to end it. But there was just a big part of me that can't help but think that I might be giving up so easily. I can't help but second guess my practicality and futuristic views that even though she is set to take her USMLE and establish a practice overseas, that it is not yet set on stone - that she may actually stay here, that someday, somehow, we can be together. Yes, I was actually thinking of the possibility of settling down with her. I mean what was the point of entering a relationship when the endpoint in mind is not marriage? 

But there it was. It was a NO. I don't think I need to ask anything else. I think that was the resounding answer for everything else. No. She didn't love me. She just gave it a shot. Perhaps she enjoyed the company. Just perhaps. But certainly she enjoyed having someone to court her. That, I suppose, she cannot deny. It's over. Perhaps it was never really anything for her. But for me, I just learned hard enough that it really is over. There is nothing left for me but to move on and learn from this shit. 

Dito Na Lang

"Kung kaya ko lang sabihing hindi masakit. Kung kaya ko lang sabihing hanggang sa muli. Kung kaya ko lang isiping magbabalik ka parin... Ngunit 'di na. Hanggang dito na lang." 

Sa isang awitin ko na lang maipapahiwatig ang tunay kong nararamdaman sa nangyari sa aming dalawa. Ilang buwan na ang nakalipas nang huli naming napag-usapan na itigil na ang paglabas namin at maging magkaibigan na lang. Ilang araw bago mangyari yun, napapagtanto ko na di ko na lang sasabihin at magpapahinga muna ako. Kahit masaya akong kasama siya, nahihirapan ako na gawan ng paraan para makasama siya. Kumbaga isang linggo o isang buwan ang hirap para sa isang araw na masaya ako. Parang pilit na kasi. At yun rin pala ang nararamdaman niya. Di ko alam. Ang alam ko lang hanggang dito na lang dapat.. Pero mahal ko pa rin siya... Pero di ko alam kung minahal man lang niya ako kahit kailan. 

Di ko alam. Pero kahit ano man ang masagot niya, hanggang dito na lang. 

Dito Na Lang

Hanggang dito na lang. Marahil hanggang dito na lang ang ating pagsasama. Mahal kita. Hanggang ngayon, mahal pa rin kita. Pero sadyang hindi talaga tayo pwede sa isa't isa. We are at the opposite ends of a spectrum. Though we have some commonalities within the continuum. I just cannot see us bearing with those differences. Perhaps it would be appropriate to use the cliche that we have irreconcilable differences. Whenever we are together, I truly am happy. I haven't been this happy for so long now. But I guess that's just no enough. I wanted to build a future with you. But it's not possible cause you wanted to build a future somewhere else. I just don't have the capacity to move across the world for a girl. No matter how much I love you, I can't do it. I don't see my future there and I have no reason to go. It's just sad that we cannot continue this anymore.

Thank you for giving me what I asked for since the start of... this. I wanted an honest answer.. and you gave that to me. It will be hard having to not feel that way for you. Maybe I won't ever be able to stop. But I know where we stand. I love you but this is where it stops.

Sabi nga nung kanta.... Hanggang dito na lang.

Smashed Racket

I just have to let this out. I can't seem to concentrate or think of anything else for now but that damaged and practically broken Z force 88 special edition. It just feels so sad and so bad that I had both of my rackets broken within this month and the other one is my main racket and it's a new one. It sucks. It hurts. It's as if I've lost a big part of me and I don't know how to recover. It's just so painful… I wish I didn't play last night. I wish it didn't get broken. I wish my partner didn't hit what was really mine. Haaaist. I can't do a damn thing about it anymore. It will be difficult to concentrate on my OSCE right now but I have to. If I don't, it will just be another problem that I wouldn't need.

Warning: Whiny Post

I have this thing against people who cannot accept it upon themselves that they have committed a great mistake. O_o I really cannot accept these people. Pwede bang kahit minsan kung may nagawa kang mali, aminin mo na lang kesa magpalusot ka pa at ipahiwatig na malinis ka at wala kang mali. Kainis!

New Year

I haven't been writing as much as I promised. I don't know. Perhaps the aversion has never really gone away. Or perhaps I never really let it go. It's been years since that nightmare of the editorship took place. I guess it's really hard for me to deal with failure but I have to learn that it is part of life and that at some point, I can only appreciate success when I am made to taste the bitterness of failure from time to time. So, I guess a new year can mean new beginnings and new chances. I hope this year would be better. :)

Nakakapanibago. Ganun talaga. Maraming bahay ang nagbabago. Ganun ang buhay eh. Kaya sige lang. Sunod na lang sa alon. Tanggapin na lang ang mga katanggap-tanggap. At iwanan ang mga hindi na gustong balikan. Ganun naman talaga sa buhay.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today is my father's birthday. If he were alive, he would be 70 years old right now and a grandfather of 6. I don't really know if I would have my own room or if I would be in medical school if he was alive. I am not even sure if I would be who I am right now if he was still alive. His passing surely made me a lot stronger but I have to admit that I miss him. But that's life..

Two Words.

I do.

It's crazy.. I've been watching videos of Lea's Wedding. tearjerker..

Paying off

It's been a while since I've felt something pay off... even just a little. But I believe the effort was way enormous for me to reap such bearings..

Hi!! No erase! :) - Minnie :D

Wish we were born autodidacts. :(

Prolonged Hiatus

The plan was to go back into writing from time to time. It's like I wanted to wean off from the burden that the editorship has brought me. I wanted to dissociate from my identity as the editor-in-chief. But with that, I also lost my identity as a writer. I know this would be a probable consequence of my sabbatical. Actually, I can't really say that I am out of the sabbatical. I don;t even know if you can call it a sabbatical. Somehow, I think it's a timely "I quit". Unfortunately, it was not the only thing that quit. It seems that the big part of my "personality" as the EIC also went with it. The seriousness, the focus, the determination the drive has all been replaced with the opposite of how I think I was.

I don't know if it's the subjects that I am taking or it's just plain me. But I am not liking how things are going. I don't like what I see. I suppose the best thing to do now is to make a change.

Let's start with some sort of a daily post. Even if they are stupid nothings. That's a step..

Getting Sick

I have these superhuman moments. I act as if I'm above everyone else and I am an exception to the rule. It's not that I have a mentality that I'm a god or whatever. Hey, I believe in God. It's just that I forget to be normal once in a while because I'm too much of a perfectionist and I am very fixated on goals and success. Thus, once I'm in it, I'm usually all out and no-turning-back. Thus, when I got really sick, I was held back. Haha. I didn't really need to be forced out of doing anything that should be done because I knew it had to be done. I would hate to be confined in the hospital or even just brought to the ER but I didn't debate much anymore when I was told to be brought to the ER. Well, I told them to wait a while because I was still too dizzy to be transported. Then when they told me to absent myself the next day, I was hesitant but in the end I agreed because I was still dizzy for some moments. It's a good decision because I wouldn't have lasted the day. Food poisoning? I am not that certain really. It's a combination of many events. My body just needed to rest. Now, I'm back to school. I just hope my brain can keep up. :)

I'm having trouble sleeping. For some reason, I have ruined my sleeping pattern once again. I just slept through some of the afternoon and now, I can't manage to get some shut eye. Well, actually.. I think there really is something more than that. I'm quite bothered with some things.

I can't seem to get myself to focus once again. It's as if I'm in my loop of starting some tasks and never really getting them done. I don't know. Somehow, I feel as if I am in disarray in terms of my school work. I don't have an organized schedule and I feel as if I am not handling the tasks well enough. But then again, school has just started and I don't think I'm doing as bad as I think I am. I haven't failed a quiz yet and I don't plan to fail anytime soon.

More than the academics, I think I'm really bothered with the matters of the heart. I want to be with her more often but I don't want her to feel so restricted and barricaded. I'm trying to find the right amount of presence to give to her so that she wouldn't feel all choked up and yet feel that I don't care. I do care. I want to know her more. I don't know if I can say that I love her already. To know is to love and I've been trying. But I guess she should be the one to open up on her own eventually. I can't force things. I don't want to. But I'll make ways to make it happen. I don't know why she feels as if she's just a rebound. I don't see that happening. I don't think she's worthy to be a rebound girl. I don't have the capacity to look for a rebound and I don't want others to experience what I did before. So, no.. She's not a rebound. I feel so attracted to her.. When I'm with her, I'm just happy. That's just it flat out. There's no other way that I could express it. Magaan lang talaga ang loob ko sa kanya at sana lang matutunan niya akong mahalin at hayaan niyang makilala ko siya. I can't love her until I know who she truly is.. But so far, I love her.. I don't think it makes sense. What does make sense 4 AM in the morning? I can't believe I'm opening up again. I feel so vulnerable.. It's like anytime, I'm allowing her to strike a dagger in my heart.. And to think I vowed to myself that I won't let anyone close enough to hurt me. Now, here I am. Argh. I dunno. I'm afraid but I believe she's worth it. I sound pathetic. Maybe I'm just sleepy. Argh. Whatever.

First Day

For some reason, the first day is always the day where nothing goes on but I am pretty much nervous about anything and everything that might happen. I have a list of things that might go wrong and they don't but I still am preparing for it. this year I told myself that I will really exert all academic efforts and I am not going to be shy about it. I am trying to look for the schedules and work up my own. I hope things become productive over the succeeding days..