I don't know. I guess there's nothing left for me to do but to let it all out in this post. I don't know if I want to come back to med school again next year. I am so fucking tired and I no longer want to live. Honestly, I just want a way out. I want all of this to stop. I want to live a life freely not dictated by any parent. I find it really unfair that I would be dictated on what I should or should not do. What I feel or should not feel and yet they can all have the freedom that they have right now. I don't know. the problem with them is that to them it's all about the money. Giving me money to send me to school to feed me and all that fucking bull shit. As long as they do that to anyone, they fucking own that person. Unfortunately, the person is me. And then next time, when I can already fend for myself, it will still be the same fucking routine since I am a product of they're hardships. I don't know where's the justice in that. I love the idea of being a doctor in that I can help other people. I hate being the "prize" that they get for producing one. I hate being told that I don't do my part or that I have screwed up priorities. They never knew what I gave up for all these crappy shit that they have never experienced. I guess this is always the problem when you come from a non-medical family and your mom is pushing you to become a doctor. She always says, "Sige na, para may doctor tayo sa pamilya." All i can think of is, "If you want it so much, then why don't you become one." I am tired. I want to be who I want to be because I want it not because someone wants it for me. Truth be told, with my personality, I always get what I want. Thus, the eruption awhile ago. But I have limits. I am very tired of this puppet show that we've been putting up. I wish she had a different set of children. Ones that would make her beg to have us instead. I wish that she would have researched more and understood more. I wished she cared more. I wish she was actually a mother. I don't know. I felt like I have never had one ever since that incident anyway. What I had always had was a provider. Someone who'll just give me money and ask me to do things in return. I can't wait for this to be all over. I can't wait to have a way out. I want to kill myself. I just want to die. I just want to evaporate in this world without anyone knowing my existence. That would be a better fate than being controlled and subjected to such torture. Med school is never easy and the people there are just plain jerks. They suck the life out of people. Most of my colleagues have their family to go home to. Their families could help them. But I don't know what this place is called. I don't know if I can still call this a home. I can't breathe here. I would much rather kill myself than let them kill me.

Bakit nga ba?

Bakit nga ba napapatigil ako sa tuwing maiisip kong magsulat? Ang dating sandigan ng aking kaluluwa ay pilit ko na lamang tinutulak palayo. Dati-rati yun lang ang aking tinatakbuhan at hinihingahan. Ngayon, tila nandidiri ako sa tuwing bubuksan ko ang aking computer para magsulat at magpahayag ng aking saloobin, damdamin o kuru-kuro. Marahil masyadong matindi ang pinsalang nadulot sa akin ng pagiging punong patnugot. Hindi rin naman ang pagsusulat bilang punong patnugot ang kinamuhian ko kung hindi ang bigat ng trabaho't responsibilidad na kinailangan kong pasanin. Nakakalungkot nga lang na kinailangan pang mangyari ito. Nakakalungkot lang rin na tila nadungisan na ang pagkakaibigan namin ng iilan sa kolehiyo. Mantakin mo, taon na rin ang nakalipas at iyon pa rin ang isinasaisip ko? Nagkaayos na rin naman kami't lahat lahat ngunit may mga bagay lang na tila hindi na maibabalik sa dati. May mga pinangarap rin akong hindi na natupad at may mga bagay rin akong isinakripisyo na minsan-minsan ay kinahihinayangan ko. Ngunit ang nagdaan ay nakalipas na't di na kailanma'y mabbaalikan. Ngayon, kinaluluksaan ko na lamang ang pagkamatay ng kaluluwang manunulat na dati-rati'y nagsusumigaw ng pagkabuhay.

Di ko lang maiwasang isipin, bakit nga ba kailangan kong patayin ang umaapoy na puso ng isang manunulat?

Stunned

The shortness of life never ceases to stun me.

I woke up this morning begrudgingly getting myself out of bed to attend Medwards rehearsals once again. A huge part of me wants to quit because I'm not feeling the old feeling that I had when we first performed last year. Not to mention, the academic load is quite overwhelming that even a little variation in my scheduled programming seemed to be too much for me. So, I packed my stuff and left immediately because I was already late... actually, the ride was going to be late for the next stop.  Unfortunately, I left a lot of things at home. It was resolved anyway, I asked my sister-in-law to bring it to UST before she goes to Manila. Anyway, I was trying to chill out for a few this morning and browsed using the Sun Broadband that my brother lent me. I was browsing around then I suddenly came across the Facebook page of my cousin's wife. She has been battling the Big C for quite some time now and she's been an inspiration to a lot of people. I was surprised that she had just passed away. I don't know really how to react. I'm not close with them but they're still family. I'm sad cause she's just a ray of light for everyone. Hopefully, that ray of light will never be shadowed despite her passing. Hope she's happy where she is now. Rest in peace, Atsi Mimi!

Lately

Lately, it's just been an insane ride. The examinations piled up and were compressed to one part of the week that we just felt so saturated and readily combustible even before it ended. To be honest, I feel as if I didn't make it in some of the subjects and that's just somewhere that I'd rather not be in. I hate that place. I hate that state when you feel as if you just didn't make it.. that you were just not good enough. But then again, those are just grades. Anyway, I also joined Medwards this year. Hope it'll be fun.

Will

It's as if I have none left in me anymore. I don't know how to fight like I used to. It's as if I've got no more fight left in me. I also just realized how much I haven't gone to church or the chapel. I don't know. I suppose that also contributes in my lack of spirit. It's as if life has been taken away and stoicism has took control and blowing away, damaging whatever I have built.

inability

I just find myself unable to concentrate on my goals. I don't know what I should do to shift gears and start chasing after my goals. Maybe I don't find much meaning in them anymore but I am not happy with my not trying hard enough.

Difficult

I won't deny that it doesn't really get better each day. It's always a drag and it becomes worse.

Lifeless

Everything seems lifeless to me. It's as if everything has lost its reason and everything is just leading towards its own destruction.

I don't know if I still want to be in med school. The only thing, I suppose, that's anchoring my stay is the fact that I am no quitter. I hate the fact that it's not what I'm used to. I hate the fact that the volume is overwhelming and is basically hard to chew. I hate the fact that I am actually capable of failing an exam or two. I hate all of these facts but hating them won't really help me in my battles. It has sucked all the inspiration and motivation in me that I can't get myself to focus and be productive. All I am doing right now is trying to get by with the absence of heart. In parts, I want to stop the journey. I want to stop for a while and get things into perspective. But then again, I know this is just a stop in the road. I just need some break time - a time away from it all. I don't know if it's a burn out but I think it might be. I'm trying to have as much resilience as I can muster within me to overcome this but I don't know how much more I can take.

I've also noticed a lot of "disuse" atrophy. I suppose practice really does make things.. "perfect". And the lack thereof would make things quite dispensable. My writing skills also fall under this category. I went on a sabbatical and so did my writing skills. I'm very prone to grammar errors and the fluidity is practically non-exisent. To be honest, I somehow think that the same has happened with my brain. Ugh. Liquefactive Necrosis! :(

Another thing that's making things lifeless is the absence of a love life and the coming of my birthday. I hate feeling old.

New Day

Well, actually.. It's not a new day. I haven't really done anything better. I was supposed to get my act together but I just didn't last night. I'm currently on the way to school right now. I'm going to force myself to study in the library later. Right now, I should be forcing myself to sleep despite the longer than usual sleeping time I have last night. But, oh well, I need to breathe a little first. I wish this day would turn out okay. :)

Getting By

It's as if nature was feeling my woes. It got better when I found my great resolve and it got worse when things just got out of hand. Now, I'm trying to get by.

Reason for Absence

I haven't been blogging here lately. I attribute it to time-constraint but to be honest, I just didn't feel like it. There was no need/drive to do so. But now, I'm blogging again.. in private. Read, if you wish to be updated. :)

Another Commencement

So in a few hours, school will start again. I've kind of lost count how many first days I've had so far. I don't think I'll run out of it. I'll have my servings of firsts from time to time. I wouldn't like it otherwise because life would be pretty darn boring if life becomes monotonous and predictable. I should be doing a lot of things though.. I mean things that are not really related to my leisure or lifestyle choice. I should be studying but I haven't really started. I should be sleeping but I still have some product on my face. I should be really thinner but I just munched on some chocolate bars awhile ago. I can't say I'm lost. I just probably lost some juice about stuff. I guess I'm just trying to maximize the chill part of life. In all honesty, I am quite ready to go back to school. I've bummed out as much as I can and now, I'm just willing to go back to my busy life. I'm just not that estatic about having to deal with some of the people but oh well. :)

Injured Shoulder

I never really thought that I could actually injure my shoulder while playing badminton. Yes, I know my smashes are insane killers and would scare almost all of my opponents but I never really saw it as powerful as they did. Not to mention, now that I'm no longer training in my high school varsity, I consider myself very out of shape - that includes my smashes.

It's not as strong as it used to be but it still serves it's purpose.

Unfortunately, I stretched too much and I think I pulled a muscle and compressed a nerve. So, now, I'm taking a vacation from playing and wait until it heals before I resume.

I tried playing with the sore arm. I can't smash so I banked on all the other moves. Unfortunately, the injury has also affected the other moves so I decided to hang the racket up for a while.


It sucks but I think it'll only take a while. I can already move it freely so it won't be long. I'm trying to stage the great return. :)

Fat

I am fat. I never was "not fat"/thin/fit. I was fat ever since I was born and I haven't really entered the state of being just right except for that time when I was part of the Judenites' badminton varsity team. I was relatively in good condition then. But after graduating high school and graduating from the team, Istarted losing it once again. From a Large size shirt, I gained 2 shirt sizes, 50 lbs and I've lost my self-confidence. Not to mention, I actually think that I am unhealthy. Back then, I wouldn't really care because I don't feel that I am fat. Now, i can really feel it and it's just plain depressing. It sucks. 

I have to figure out a way to remove all of these and bring myself back. 

All efforts start tomorrow.. I have to do this. 

Much Too Much to Say

I've been struggling to make a decent post over the summer but I find myself staring blankly on the page. I tried to compose myself and revert back to my old editor-in-chief form and try to place random thoughts in the multitude of topics that just ran through my head. I start to type my nothingness and then decide to put it off if not erase the whole thing. I guess there's something about writing that still appalls me. I can't seem to wash away the intoxicated feeling I had when I was very much obliged to write. I really thought that after a hiatus or two that I'll be able to regain the passion that was just burnt out of my system. Apparently, I can't just blurt out all of the things I've been longing to say. Not anymore. Perhaps in my private blog, I can write to my heart's content. But here, I just can't simply do that. No, I can't do it without hurting one or two along the way.

I suppose what I'm feeling is also due to the fact that I've been so used to putting off the verbalizations of things that I would normal rant about. It's like a switch I've learned to develop and use ever since life became a little too busy. I just switch it off and start to focus on seemingly more important things... The modifiable things. And now, the consequences of my actions have materialized. The empty pages and the notable widened intervals are the product of my choices. This will persist unless I choose otherwise. I suppose it's time to choose otherwise.

I have much too much to say. Because I've chosen to keep quiet when I was dying to say something. I forced the feelings and hold the reservations too much that I believe it is high time to let it be and let it burst.

So, I shall burst with much too much to say.