Thursday, March 28, 2013
I don't know. I guess there's nothing left for me to do but to let it all out in this post. I don't know if I want to come back to med school again next year. I am so fucking tired and I no longer want to live. Honestly, I just want a way out. I want all of this to stop. I want to live a life freely not dictated by any parent. I find it really unfair that I would be dictated on what I should or should not do. What I feel or should not feel and yet they can all have the freedom that they have right now. I don't know. the problem with them is that to them it's all about the money. Giving me money to send me to school to feed me and all that fucking bull shit. As long as they do that to anyone, they fucking own that person. Unfortunately, the person is me. And then next time, when I can already fend for myself, it will still be the same fucking routine since I am a product of they're hardships. I don't know where's the justice in that. I love the idea of being a doctor in that I can help other people. I hate being the "prize" that they get for producing one. I hate being told that I don't do my part or that I have screwed up priorities. They never knew what I gave up for all these crappy shit that they have never experienced. I guess this is always the problem when you come from a non-medical family and your mom is pushing you to become a doctor. She always says, "Sige na, para may doctor tayo sa pamilya." All i can think of is, "If you want it so much, then why don't you become one." I am tired. I want to be who I want to be because I want it not because someone wants it for me. Truth be told, with my personality, I always get what I want. Thus, the eruption awhile ago. But I have limits. I am very tired of this puppet show that we've been putting up. I wish she had a different set of children. Ones that would make her beg to have us instead. I wish that she would have researched more and understood more. I wished she cared more. I wish she was actually a mother. I don't know. I felt like I have never had one ever since that incident anyway. What I had always had was a provider. Someone who'll just give me money and ask me to do things in return. I can't wait for this to be all over. I can't wait to have a way out. I want to kill myself. I just want to die. I just want to evaporate in this world without anyone knowing my existence. That would be a better fate than being controlled and subjected to such torture. Med school is never easy and the people there are just plain jerks. They suck the life out of people. Most of my colleagues have their family to go home to. Their families could help them. But I don't know what this place is called. I don't know if I can still call this a home. I can't breathe here. I would much rather kill myself than let them kill me.