Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Again and again

Now, the time has come once again for the self-absorbed and self-conceited to reign. My mom's birthday is coming up and she's throwing another celebration. I don't know. I'm not that inclined to celebrating. They killed my birthdays year after year at some point in my life and the disappointments made me believe that there is nothing special to celebrate about every birthday except being thankful that God gave me another day. I mean.. counting by years is counting things collectively. Why not go for the days instead? That would make you realize how much more you are blessed by virtue of the great number that can be very appealing to the human eye.

Anyhow, I am really grateful for another year that my mom has reached and I do hope that she would have many more years to come. I'm just not that inclined to her celebrations. It can really be a stress inducer. I am lucky to have avoided it because of my medical shiznitz. Don't get me wrong. I like to be the one to throw and sponsor or organize her party. It's just not feasible with me being a medical student. Add to that, my siblings aren't really setting an example. they haven't organized a damn thing. Plus, who can when my mom organizes her own? Hehe. Oh well. I'm just going to try to enjoy it. So, for now, I shall study my butt off because I know it will be an insane week. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Today was Physio Shifting exams day and I let myself go.

Clearly, I've been going through some personal ordeals. I tried to lock myself away and focus but I just can't do that because I can't seem to let this go. So, even as much as I persisted to study for the exams, I wasn't able to do well. This has always been the case when it comes to dealing with things that really get to me. It got to me.

I'm just quite grateful for the relaxation mode after the exam. I don't usually hang with people and play. But I'm glad to have done otherwise. It was a good day of playing Rockband with some Med friends and meet up with my Nursing friends afterward. However, it just sucks that I have to be here at home now.. back in this miserable place.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

If I was taken away from you right now, at this very second, would it even matter?
Would you even care?
Did you ever care?
How much do I mean to you?
By now, you probably learned how to sum me up to a few pieces of your precious and beloved bills.
I have been equated to just one of your many accounts which you can exchange.
That's how easy it is, isn't it?
I don't mean a thing to you at all.
I'm just a son that you've converted to a slave of all your wants.
After much utilization, I have no other worth.
I am not one that you love nor to your opinion brings about honor.
I am not one that you find worth supporting but you just love to emburden.
It's okay for me to lose everything just as long as my brothers won't lose anything.
It's easy for you to let me go because you believe that I can stand alone.
Yes, you've neglected me more than everyone else even when I was still young.
I'm tired and I want out.
That's it. You've caused me more pain than anyone else.
I wish you knew this somehow.
I can no longer take care of you.

How much do you know me?

How much do you know me?
Apart from my name,
What else do you know?
What else do you CARE to know about me?
Apart from the blood,
and perhaps some traits and mannerisms,
what binds us together?
What other links exist to connect us with each other?
Do I matter to you?
Did I ever?

I had never imagined that my worth to be degraded to a few material things.
I never imagined life to be this difficult
that you would make it this difficult for me.
I don't know how to feel anymore at times.
I just want out.
I just want to let go and let things fall apart.
I can no longer hold on to things that I wish were still here.
I can no longer let you hold me back and pull me down.
I won't allow you to hurt me anymore.

I miss him. I wish he was still here. I felt more loved by him than you.
I wish I could tell you all of these. I wish I could scream them to your face.
I don't believe that you love me. I haven't believed in that for a long time now.
You made me doubt the phrase that there is no parent that doesn't love his/her child.
You made me spite all the TV shows that depict a parent loving the child more than himself or herself.
I lost faith in you. I lost all hope.
I no longer believe that things can be better. I don't believe that there could be a better tomorrow.
I'm tired.
I'm beaten.
I'm broken down.
Now, I don't believe that I have any place that I can call home.
You don't know how much you've made my life so difficult.
You don't know how many times that I wanted to just kill myself so that I do not need to bear with this.
I'm done.
I'm tired.
I honestly just want to drop dead right now.
I don't want to live anymore if this is the predicament that I would always have to face.
I can't be the perfect son.
You are asking for all the unreasonable things in the world.
It sucks.
You suck.
I wish that somehow this would dawn upon you.
I'm trying.
Please try too.


Apparently, I was not able to update my public blog anymore. 

As I said, I have  a private blog and a public blog. I just ranted too much in my private blog, I suppose, and I never made an entry that would be suitable for the public's eye. But now, I'm back to writing and probably inserting some rants here and there. 

As you may know, I am currently in UST Med School and I am really having a hard time coping with all the stresses. I am not used to getting low scores. I am not used to being at the bottom of the chain. I'm not that much of an achiever. I'm not always on top nor am I on top. I don't plan to be anyway. It's just that I'm always at the upper bracket. So, being in the lower to middle bracket is just something that I am not used to. I am not doing well. I am just surviving, hanging on a thread and bordering on failure. I need to focus now. I need to let things go and let myself do the best that I can. Thus, I write again. 

It's so difficult for me to do so badly each day. I've gone through depression for a few weeks back because I feel that I've been degraded into a good for nothing pile of dirt. I wish I could somehow do better just good enough to graduate with honors. I will need it if I want a good career in Medicine. But I suppose it will only be given to me if it's meant for me. But heck! I shall work for it nonetheless. 

In another department, love is quite a distant stranger nowadays. 

I don't know how she feels really. Somehow, I feel that she's skeptical and she wants me to take a committed step. But I just can't. I don't know if there's a future for us. I don't think she's open to it as well. I don't know. I'm sparing myself from a devastating heart break. Ack. I'll stop now and start studying. 

I just want out of this black hole.