Monday, December 15, 2014

Within the edges of that blank sheet, I poured my heart out. I wrote the things that I felt that won't ever be materialized into words coming out of my mouth. Behind these words were the emotions that I believe have been preventing me from moving on. As I form the letters and witness the ink surging through the pen, I felt myself forcing out all the baggages I've accumulated over time. And when I burned that letter, it felt as if I was burning all the excess shit in my life.

Maybe it's all mind conditioning or whatever. But all I am saying is: I am moving on.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014


All I needed was that answer and when I get it, I'll know what to do with my life. 

I've been pondering about where we stood for quite some time. Did she really want to end things? Everything just seemed so real for me and it hurts to think that it's actually just a fantasy. I know we've talked about it before and we've agreed to end it. But there was just a big part of me that can't help but think that I might be giving up so easily. I can't help but second guess my practicality and futuristic views that even though she is set to take her USMLE and establish a practice overseas, that it is not yet set on stone - that she may actually stay here, that someday, somehow, we can be together. Yes, I was actually thinking of the possibility of settling down with her. I mean what was the point of entering a relationship when the endpoint in mind is not marriage? 

But there it was. It was a NO. I don't think I need to ask anything else. I think that was the resounding answer for everything else. No. She didn't love me. She just gave it a shot. Perhaps she enjoyed the company. Just perhaps. But certainly she enjoyed having someone to court her. That, I suppose, she cannot deny. It's over. Perhaps it was never really anything for her. But for me, I just learned hard enough that it really is over. There is nothing left for me but to move on and learn from this shit. 

Monday, September 29, 2014

Dito Na Lang

"Kung kaya ko lang sabihing hindi masakit. Kung kaya ko lang sabihing hanggang sa muli. Kung kaya ko lang isiping magbabalik ka parin... Ngunit 'di na. Hanggang dito na lang." 

Sa isang awitin ko na lang maipapahiwatig ang tunay kong nararamdaman sa nangyari sa aming dalawa. Ilang buwan na ang nakalipas nang huli naming napag-usapan na itigil na ang paglabas namin at maging magkaibigan na lang. Ilang araw bago mangyari yun, napapagtanto ko na di ko na lang sasabihin at magpapahinga muna ako. Kahit masaya akong kasama siya, nahihirapan ako na gawan ng paraan para makasama siya. Kumbaga isang linggo o isang buwan ang hirap para sa isang araw na masaya ako. Parang pilit na kasi. At yun rin pala ang nararamdaman niya. Di ko alam. Ang alam ko lang hanggang dito na lang dapat.. Pero mahal ko pa rin siya... Pero di ko alam kung minahal man lang niya ako kahit kailan. 

Di ko alam. Pero kahit ano man ang masagot niya, hanggang dito na lang. 

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Dito Na Lang

Hanggang dito na lang. Marahil hanggang dito na lang ang ating pagsasama. Mahal kita. Hanggang ngayon, mahal pa rin kita. Pero sadyang hindi talaga tayo pwede sa isa't isa. We are at the opposite ends of a spectrum. Though we have some commonalities within the continuum. I just cannot see us bearing with those differences. Perhaps it would be appropriate to use the cliche that we have irreconcilable differences. Whenever we are together, I truly am happy. I haven't been this happy for so long now. But I guess that's just no enough. I wanted to build a future with you. But it's not possible cause you wanted to build a future somewhere else. I just don't have the capacity to move across the world for a girl. No matter how much I love you, I can't do it. I don't see my future there and I have no reason to go. It's just sad that we cannot continue this anymore.

Thank you for giving me what I asked for since the start of... this. I wanted an honest answer.. and you gave that to me. It will be hard having to not feel that way for you. Maybe I won't ever be able to stop. But I know where we stand. I love you but this is where it stops.

Sabi nga nung kanta.... Hanggang dito na lang.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Smashed Racket

I just have to let this out. I can't seem to concentrate or think of anything else for now but that damaged and practically broken Z force 88 special edition. It just feels so sad and so bad that I had both of my rackets broken within this month and the other one is my main racket and it's a new one. It sucks. It hurts. It's as if I've lost a big part of me and I don't know how to recover. It's just so painful… I wish I didn't play last night. I wish it didn't get broken. I wish my partner didn't hit what was really mine. Haaaist. I can't do a damn thing about it anymore. It will be difficult to concentrate on my OSCE right now but I have to. If I don't, it will just be another problem that I wouldn't need.

Warning: Whiny Post

I have this thing against people who cannot accept it upon themselves that they have committed a great mistake. O_o I really cannot accept these people. Pwede bang kahit minsan kung may nagawa kang mali, aminin mo na lang kesa magpalusot ka pa at ipahiwatig na malinis ka at wala kang mali. Kainis!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

New Year

I haven't been writing as much as I promised. I don't know. Perhaps the aversion has never really gone away. Or perhaps I never really let it go. It's been years since that nightmare of the editorship took place. I guess it's really hard for me to deal with failure but I have to learn that it is part of life and that at some point, I can only appreciate success when I am made to taste the bitterness of failure from time to time. So, I guess a new year can mean new beginnings and new chances. I hope this year would be better. :)