Getting Sick

I have these superhuman moments. I act as if I'm above everyone else and I am an exception to the rule. It's not that I have a mentality that I'm a god or whatever. Hey, I believe in God. It's just that I forget to be normal once in a while because I'm too much of a perfectionist and I am very fixated on goals and success. Thus, once I'm in it, I'm usually all out and no-turning-back. Thus, when I got really sick, I was held back. Haha. I didn't really need to be forced out of doing anything that should be done because I knew it had to be done. I would hate to be confined in the hospital or even just brought to the ER but I didn't debate much anymore when I was told to be brought to the ER. Well, I told them to wait a while because I was still too dizzy to be transported. Then when they told me to absent myself the next day, I was hesitant but in the end I agreed because I was still dizzy for some moments. It's a good decision because I wouldn't have lasted the day. Food poisoning? I am not that certain really. It's a combination of many events. My body just needed to rest. Now, I'm back to school. I just hope my brain can keep up. :)

I'm having trouble sleeping. For some reason, I have ruined my sleeping pattern once again. I just slept through some of the afternoon and now, I can't manage to get some shut eye. Well, actually.. I think there really is something more than that. I'm quite bothered with some things.

I can't seem to get myself to focus once again. It's as if I'm in my loop of starting some tasks and never really getting them done. I don't know. Somehow, I feel as if I am in disarray in terms of my school work. I don't have an organized schedule and I feel as if I am not handling the tasks well enough. But then again, school has just started and I don't think I'm doing as bad as I think I am. I haven't failed a quiz yet and I don't plan to fail anytime soon.

More than the academics, I think I'm really bothered with the matters of the heart. I want to be with her more often but I don't want her to feel so restricted and barricaded. I'm trying to find the right amount of presence to give to her so that she wouldn't feel all choked up and yet feel that I don't care. I do care. I want to know her more. I don't know if I can say that I love her already. To know is to love and I've been trying. But I guess she should be the one to open up on her own eventually. I can't force things. I don't want to. But I'll make ways to make it happen. I don't know why she feels as if she's just a rebound. I don't see that happening. I don't think she's worthy to be a rebound girl. I don't have the capacity to look for a rebound and I don't want others to experience what I did before. So, no.. She's not a rebound. I feel so attracted to her.. When I'm with her, I'm just happy. That's just it flat out. There's no other way that I could express it. Magaan lang talaga ang loob ko sa kanya at sana lang matutunan niya akong mahalin at hayaan niyang makilala ko siya. I can't love her until I know who she truly is.. But so far, I love her.. I don't think it makes sense. What does make sense 4 AM in the morning? I can't believe I'm opening up again. I feel so vulnerable.. It's like anytime, I'm allowing her to strike a dagger in my heart.. And to think I vowed to myself that I won't let anyone close enough to hurt me. Now, here I am. Argh. I dunno. I'm afraid but I believe she's worth it. I sound pathetic. Maybe I'm just sleepy. Argh. Whatever.

First Day

For some reason, the first day is always the day where nothing goes on but I am pretty much nervous about anything and everything that might happen. I have a list of things that might go wrong and they don't but I still am preparing for it. this year I told myself that I will really exert all academic efforts and I am not going to be shy about it. I am trying to look for the schedules and work up my own. I hope things become productive over the succeeding days..