Saturday, September 5, 2015

Resilience.. Or the lack thereof.

I can still remember pretty well the part assigned to me back in our thesis presentation. We conducted a study on the lived experiences of post-stroke patients and we collated the responses and generalized that one of the things they've developed over time was resilience. Funny how that was the part or the trait assigned to me and at the time, I believe I've somehow embodied that tried.

Unfortunately, I cannot declare the same as we speak. I can pinpoint that debacle once more and sound like a broken record trying to use that excuse and seem like in a perpetual state of crying over spilled milk. Perhaps it was that even that started it all. But the main problem is that I cannot bounce back from that event. It seems that I got sucked into that moment and I was never able to let go and move on. Thus, it hinders me from flying once more. It kept on letting me hold back and coward a great leap.

Maybe in a few days I'll find wisdom. But for now, I'll try to live on and keep things in as much of a stable state as possible.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Challenge

Adding insult to injury. Adding fuel to the fire. Basically, making things worse.

Over the past few days-weeks, I’ve been using my new gym membership in Fitness First Trinoma. After years of contemplating to work out, I finally decided to ask my mom permission to actually walk the talk. I knew that it would be a difficult feat trying to convince my mother that I need that gym membership and that I will actually try to go there as regularly as my schedule would permit. After the long discussion and adamantly putting my foot down that I will really work out. So, after the very tiring ER post, I started working out on my own. I received an e-mail about my membership and they included a name of the trainer. I haven’t contacted the trainer but I went to the gym anyhow. That was when I found out that he should have contacted me regarding the schedule – which he didn’t. It was good that there was another trainer that assisted me and helped me work out. Unfortunately, I cannot foresee my rotations in the hospital especially when we rotate weekly. But I do recall pretty clearly that I told him the schedule was on Tuesday. Unfortunately, he said that it was on a Monday and he decided to text me about it but I wasn’t available at that time. Needless to say, it was a really bad start for that instructor-trainee relationship that should be established. I must say, I preferred the first instructor who was not assigned to me. I don’t know if he was just selling himself and convincing me to change the assigned trainer. But at that time, I preferred him over the other one.
So, we finally had the first session – the evaluation. I know for a fact that I am no longer as fit as I was before. Unfortunately, it was slapped on my face. I must admit it was quite demoralizing that I cannot perform the tasks that he was asking me to do. But what was worse was the sense of judgment that I got from him. I know for a fact that he did not bother knowing my background. He did not know that I am a doctor and that I go to the gym after hospital tasks. He also doesn’t know my fitness background prior to meeting me - questions that were already elicited when I applied. He doesn’t have interest and I can’t blame him. He’s one of the more manlier trainers in the gym and I think his body speaks for himself. But the judgment he passed upon the first meeting was quite unforgettable in the domains of my mind. The “you’re such a weakling, a big fatty that I’m going to have to work a miracle for in trying to whip in to shape look” (of course he didn’t say this and it might just be my paranoia) , and the side comment “Ah. So doctor ka pala. O ayan. Syempre ang pag work out mo, mental challenge na yan. Syempre, after mo magduty, tinatamad ka na magwork out. Hindi lang physical ang kalaban mo. Mental pa. Kaya kailangan gusto mo talaga.” I should just let it pass because he is an ignorant buffoon. But I want him to try using his brawns with his brains in order to save lives. I want him to go on duty for 24-36 hours, have no sleep and tell me that not going to the gym is being LAZY as compared to being TIRED. Iba ang tamad sa pagod. And he opted to use “tinatamad”. I must say that I’m okay with his bluntness. But I suppose he does not have tact. So, I wasn’t able to perform his exercises with ease. That’s the truth. But what he did. Let me just finish the whole hour and leave me there is something I don’t think he should do. Leaving a client alone and chit chatting with other gym members seem to be unfair to someone who’s paying quite a large amount. Not to mention, it was just an hour’s worth of shit. Maybe he could have helped me stretch out the cramps instead. But nope. He was charming some lady gym member. He ended the session by telling me, “sige, sa Tuesday na lang kung kaya mo. Kung hindi sumakit katawan mo. Pero sigurado sasakit yan.” I don’t know if his goal is to drive me away from the gym but I won’t pay a huge amount just to waste it. From then on, I was already contemplating on getting a different trainer. My goal might be to have the body type that the “master trainer” has. His body was so lean and fit – the contour of his body can readily be recognized despite having his shirt on. I can see my goal but I cannot reach it with him because I don’t feel motivated. I don’t see results. I just see the bullshit I have to endure. It’s bad enough you get the shit out of the hospital stays and duties. I don’t want to endure that shit when I’m out of the hospital. Then, I scheduled the next session, had to postpone, and made an error on rescheduling and he was not that polite in replying. Thus, today, I’m leaving the hospital a little earlier – that’s unofficial. I’m basically sneaking out of the hospital just to go to the gym. I don’t know if I’m crazy for doing that but I’m going to do that now. And if I get another bout off attitude from him, I will definitely put him out of my life and request for another trainer.

I know it was on my own doing that I’ve obtained this body type – that I’ve allowed myself to be this big. So, I suppose I cannot blame that personal trainer for giving me a smug look. I can’t blame him for being a douche bag because that’s simply how he is. I can’t blame him for that as much as he can’t blame me for being a fat ass. The difference though is that I’m actually there in the gym for the reason that I’m actually trying to do something about it. As for his personality, well that’s his discretion if he wants to continue being a douche bag. But one thing is pretty consistent with my personality. I don’t like forcing myself to something or someone. Well, except for the occasional goals in life that I’m willing to fight tooth and nail for or a best friend that I’m not willing to lose. But for a gym trainer that is ill-mannered, I don’t really give a damn. He’s easily replaceable in as much as I’m a client that does not matter.


Monday, June 15, 2015

Falling

It's been no secret that I've been struggling with losing weight. I have a hard time dieting because I'm a stress eater. I've been enduring all these snarky comments regarding my size and I've endured enough from my patients over the past few years. But what really gets to me is the difficulty in moving about as compared to how it was before I gained all this weight. That tops the fact that I'm having difficulty in purchasing clothes and it kills me not to be able to wear what I want. I wish not to think of it that way but I believe that a lot of girls have labelled me unattractive as well because of my size.

But the one thing that really got to me was when the chair collapsed on me. I know that the chair was broken. But damn. That fall... really hurt.

To me, that's the last straw. I really want to lose weight. I have to lose weight. I will lose weight.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Resuscitation

Flatline.

At some point, we'll have something inside of us die. It may be a personality, a habit, or a part of our soul that we've swept aside for the time being only to realize that we've completely neglected about it. To me, that's my writing.

If you know me well enough, you'd immediately associate my name with my craft. I mean not to decorate myself but I am the two-year editor-in-chief of the UST Nursing Journal and I've been part of the campus journals of my alma maters. It's just unfortunate that I had to feel the recoil of my intense burn out after that two year term. It was painful to feel disgusted with writing - something that allowed me to breathe life into my system. Even my means of expression was halted because of the things that I went through. But now, that was years ago. Time has healed the wounds and I no longer abhor writing. I actually miss it. I long for it.

Short or long. It doesn't matter. Whatever topic it's about. I'm just going to write simply because I miss it. Simply because I need to reignite the burnt out passion that was once within me. I need to resuscitate him.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Sunog na.

Disin mang minsan hilingin ang apoy ay hindi mapawi upang mahabol ang ating mga mithiin.. Ngunit ang nakakaliktaan ang pananatiling buo ng katauhan sa tuwing pagod ay mararamdaman. Pikit-matang pinagpapatuloy ang paglakbay, kibit balikat sa krus na pasan. Di lamang nabatid ang magiging kahinatnan ng patuloy na pagtahak bagamat hapos na.

Sa mga iilang araw na nalalabi. Pilit kong ihahakbang ang landas upang matapos lamang ang paglalakbay. Ngunit sa pagwawakas ng kabanatang ito, ang pagsulat ng panibago. Maaari mang matuldukan ang pagdurusa ng nakaraan, haharapin naman ang pagsubok ng kinabukasan. Kung mangyari lamang huminto ang paligid at makapagliwaliw ng sandali. Maaring makapaghimlay ng sandali. Upang sa sunod na giyera'y buo na muli.

Ngunit di ganyan ang takbo ng buhay. Di titigil ang mundo alang-alang sayo. Di rin iisipin ng iba ang kapakanan mo. Sadyang matira matibay, makain ang mabait. Kung kaya't ngayong gabi labag man sa kalooban ko, magtatrabahong muli at titiisin mga taong bwisit. Dalawampu't limang araw nalalabi. Mawawala sa buhay mga masasamang budhi.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Within the edges of that blank sheet, I poured my heart out. I wrote the things that I felt that won't ever be materialized into words coming out of my mouth. Behind these words were the emotions that I believe have been preventing me from moving on. As I form the letters and witness the ink surging through the pen, I felt myself forcing out all the baggages I've accumulated over time. And when I burned that letter, it felt as if I was burning all the excess shit in my life.

Maybe it's all mind conditioning or whatever. But all I am saying is: I am moving on.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Answer

All I needed was that answer and when I get it, I'll know what to do with my life. 

I've been pondering about where we stood for quite some time. Did she really want to end things? Everything just seemed so real for me and it hurts to think that it's actually just a fantasy. I know we've talked about it before and we've agreed to end it. But there was just a big part of me that can't help but think that I might be giving up so easily. I can't help but second guess my practicality and futuristic views that even though she is set to take her USMLE and establish a practice overseas, that it is not yet set on stone - that she may actually stay here, that someday, somehow, we can be together. Yes, I was actually thinking of the possibility of settling down with her. I mean what was the point of entering a relationship when the endpoint in mind is not marriage? 


But there it was. It was a NO. I don't think I need to ask anything else. I think that was the resounding answer for everything else. No. She didn't love me. She just gave it a shot. Perhaps she enjoyed the company. Just perhaps. But certainly she enjoyed having someone to court her. That, I suppose, she cannot deny. It's over. Perhaps it was never really anything for her. But for me, I just learned hard enough that it really is over. There is nothing left for me but to move on and learn from this shit. 

Monday, September 29, 2014

Dito Na Lang

"Kung kaya ko lang sabihing hindi masakit. Kung kaya ko lang sabihing hanggang sa muli. Kung kaya ko lang isiping magbabalik ka parin... Ngunit 'di na. Hanggang dito na lang." 

Sa isang awitin ko na lang maipapahiwatig ang tunay kong nararamdaman sa nangyari sa aming dalawa. Ilang buwan na ang nakalipas nang huli naming napag-usapan na itigil na ang paglabas namin at maging magkaibigan na lang. Ilang araw bago mangyari yun, napapagtanto ko na di ko na lang sasabihin at magpapahinga muna ako. Kahit masaya akong kasama siya, nahihirapan ako na gawan ng paraan para makasama siya. Kumbaga isang linggo o isang buwan ang hirap para sa isang araw na masaya ako. Parang pilit na kasi. At yun rin pala ang nararamdaman niya. Di ko alam. Ang alam ko lang hanggang dito na lang dapat.. Pero mahal ko pa rin siya... Pero di ko alam kung minahal man lang niya ako kahit kailan. 

Di ko alam. Pero kahit ano man ang masagot niya, hanggang dito na lang. 

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Dito Na Lang

Hanggang dito na lang. Marahil hanggang dito na lang ang ating pagsasama. Mahal kita. Hanggang ngayon, mahal pa rin kita. Pero sadyang hindi talaga tayo pwede sa isa't isa. We are at the opposite ends of a spectrum. Though we have some commonalities within the continuum. I just cannot see us bearing with those differences. Perhaps it would be appropriate to use the cliche that we have irreconcilable differences. Whenever we are together, I truly am happy. I haven't been this happy for so long now. But I guess that's just no enough. I wanted to build a future with you. But it's not possible cause you wanted to build a future somewhere else. I just don't have the capacity to move across the world for a girl. No matter how much I love you, I can't do it. I don't see my future there and I have no reason to go. It's just sad that we cannot continue this anymore.

Thank you for giving me what I asked for since the start of... this. I wanted an honest answer.. and you gave that to me. It will be hard having to not feel that way for you. Maybe I won't ever be able to stop. But I know where we stand. I love you but this is where it stops.

Sabi nga nung kanta.... Hanggang dito na lang.


Friday, January 10, 2014

Smashed Racket

I just have to let this out. I can't seem to concentrate or think of anything else for now but that damaged and practically broken Z force 88 special edition. It just feels so sad and so bad that I had both of my rackets broken within this month and the other one is my main racket and it's a new one. It sucks. It hurts. It's as if I've lost a big part of me and I don't know how to recover. It's just so painful… I wish I didn't play last night. I wish it didn't get broken. I wish my partner didn't hit what was really mine. Haaaist. I can't do a damn thing about it anymore. It will be difficult to concentrate on my OSCE right now but I have to. If I don't, it will just be another problem that I wouldn't need.

Warning: Whiny Post

I have this thing against people who cannot accept it upon themselves that they have committed a great mistake. O_o I really cannot accept these people. Pwede bang kahit minsan kung may nagawa kang mali, aminin mo na lang kesa magpalusot ka pa at ipahiwatig na malinis ka at wala kang mali. Kainis!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

New Year

I haven't been writing as much as I promised. I don't know. Perhaps the aversion has never really gone away. Or perhaps I never really let it go. It's been years since that nightmare of the editorship took place. I guess it's really hard for me to deal with failure but I have to learn that it is part of life and that at some point, I can only appreciate success when I am made to taste the bitterness of failure from time to time. So, I guess a new year can mean new beginnings and new chances. I hope this year would be better. :)

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Nakakapanibago. Ganun talaga. Maraming bahay ang nagbabago. Ganun ang buhay eh. Kaya sige lang. Sunod na lang sa alon. Tanggapin na lang ang mga katanggap-tanggap. At iwanan ang mga hindi na gustong balikan. Ganun naman talaga sa buhay.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today is my father's birthday. If he were alive, he would be 70 years old right now and a grandfather of 6. I don't really know if I would have my own room or if I would be in medical school if he was alive. I am not even sure if I would be who I am right now if he was still alive. His passing surely made me a lot stronger but I have to admit that I miss him. But that's life..

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Two Words.

I do.

It's crazy.. I've been watching videos of Lea's Wedding. tearjerker..