Injured Shoulder

I never really thought that I could actually injure my shoulder while playing badminton. Yes, I know my smashes are insane killers and would scare almost all of my opponents but I never really saw it as powerful as they did. Not to mention, now that I'm no longer training in my high school varsity, I consider myself very out of shape - that includes my smashes.

It's not as strong as it used to be but it still serves it's purpose.

Unfortunately, I stretched too much and I think I pulled a muscle and compressed a nerve. So, now, I'm taking a vacation from playing and wait until it heals before I resume.

I tried playing with the sore arm. I can't smash so I banked on all the other moves. Unfortunately, the injury has also affected the other moves so I decided to hang the racket up for a while.


It sucks but I think it'll only take a while. I can already move it freely so it won't be long. I'm trying to stage the great return. :)

Fat

I am fat. I never was "not fat"/thin/fit. I was fat ever since I was born and I haven't really entered the state of being just right except for that time when I was part of the Judenites' badminton varsity team. I was relatively in good condition then. But after graduating high school and graduating from the team, Istarted losing it once again. From a Large size shirt, I gained 2 shirt sizes, 50 lbs and I've lost my self-confidence. Not to mention, I actually think that I am unhealthy. Back then, I wouldn't really care because I don't feel that I am fat. Now, i can really feel it and it's just plain depressing. It sucks. 

I have to figure out a way to remove all of these and bring myself back. 

All efforts start tomorrow.. I have to do this. 

Much Too Much to Say

I've been struggling to make a decent post over the summer but I find myself staring blankly on the page. I tried to compose myself and revert back to my old editor-in-chief form and try to place random thoughts in the multitude of topics that just ran through my head. I start to type my nothingness and then decide to put it off if not erase the whole thing. I guess there's something about writing that still appalls me. I can't seem to wash away the intoxicated feeling I had when I was very much obliged to write. I really thought that after a hiatus or two that I'll be able to regain the passion that was just burnt out of my system. Apparently, I can't just blurt out all of the things I've been longing to say. Not anymore. Perhaps in my private blog, I can write to my heart's content. But here, I just can't simply do that. No, I can't do it without hurting one or two along the way.

I suppose what I'm feeling is also due to the fact that I've been so used to putting off the verbalizations of things that I would normal rant about. It's like a switch I've learned to develop and use ever since life became a little too busy. I just switch it off and start to focus on seemingly more important things... The modifiable things. And now, the consequences of my actions have materialized. The empty pages and the notable widened intervals are the product of my choices. This will persist unless I choose otherwise. I suppose it's time to choose otherwise.

I have much too much to say. Because I've chosen to keep quiet when I was dying to say something. I forced the feelings and hold the reservations too much that I believe it is high time to let it be and let it burst.

So, I shall burst with much too much to say.

Medicine Hiatus = Non-Academic resumption

Finally got my grades. I guess they're pretty good. I worked hard for them. Now, I'm off to a vacation. I suppose I'll blog more now that it's summer. :)

Cock Smashing

Shuttlecock smashing.

Don't go green on me!

I've been craving for the sound of my smashes detonating as the shuttlecock kisses my racket and smacks down the opponents' side of the court. I miss the insane power and speed that I've placed on every shot that I make. Unfortunately, it's not as potent as my trademark shots but it will do. To compensate, I'm trying to make my other shots work now. :) So far, it's good. :)

Passport-ing.

I haven't really noticed the intensity of the summer heat not until I was subjected to it while waiting in line for the processing of my passport. I have no idea one Lon this process would be but I'm quite grateful that my brother lent me his iPad and it has an internet access and lots of games what I would normally play. I'm supposed to attend training later but I think I won't make it on time. Is is taking too long.

Sleepless Good Friday

"The Voice, pag dumating ka sa Pilipinas, mag-aaudition ako." 

I shouldn't have said those words because I know that it would be quite a difficult thing to fulfill. 

It's Holy Week 2012 right now. Specifically, in the middle of Good Friday and Black Saturday. It's actually 3:22 AM on my Mac watch and that would mean that it's really 2:40 or something. I should be tucked in bed sound asleep just like the rest of my family. We will be going to Tagaytay in a while and I am so excited to eat at one of my favorite places ever, Sonya's Garden. Unfortunately, I had to open my Twitter account and read the replies sent to me. One of those replies were my classmate's which stated that The Voice is being franchised in the Philippines. All the while, I thought it was X Factor but it was actually, The Voice. Now, I am contemplating an auditioning for the show. I have never done something like this and the idea alone would immediately be shut down by my family. And it's not in my plans as well. I don't know what to do really. A huge part of me is wanting to audition for the show while there is a big part of me that's just being swallowed by fear. If I were to be completely honest, this is something that I really really want. I mean this is just the thing that I've been waiting for. The reality is, I don't think I have what it takes. I don't think I have that much of a talent to impress the public and to back me up on my dreams. I don't mean to push aside becoming a doctor. I want to be a doctor too. But I would love it more to sing. I don't know. I'm quite crazy right now. I don't know what to make of what I've just learned. I googled the show and I've read that they'll be having the last auditions next week. Eeps. Let's see. Probably for the next season? I don't know. Grrr. I hate it. :( 

Last Stretch

I guess this is what we call it. Last stretch. We're nearing the home base and there is nothing we can do about it but to do our best with whatever we have and probably give it our all. Lucky, or in a  different aspect, unlucky for those who don't need to take the final examination. Well, they are lucky because they can practically start their summer vacation a week or two earlier than us commoners. However, they are unlucky in the sense that they will not be able to gauge, even in just a sporadic, foolish, one-shot test, how much they have actually learned in the course. Well, everything happens for a reason. I didn't get any exemptions for the annual subjects. Yes, the announcements have not been made yet but I know for a fact that I won't be exempted because i do compute for my grades and they are insanely far away from the exemption. I wouldn't even be attempting for it anymore this year. Next year would be a totally different story though.

At any rate, I am hanging by the line to be a dean's lister in med. I swear it's difficult and it's quite a struggle for me as compared to others but it's not impossible. I just need to break away from feeling so tired. After all, I need to forgive myself. My credentials will speak for itself that I had a very tiring course in college. Well, I'll just have to strive better now. enough of the frustrations and just look at the blessings. :)

Vow.

I swear, come summer vacation, I shall write and sing like there's no tomorrow.

Doors

What is a door?

A piece of hard wood dividing a room from another?

I suppose so. 

I recall having discussed an essay entitled On Doors by Christopher Morley in our World Literature class back in Nursing. I tried digesting every bit of the essay and breaking down the meaning of the words and the essence of the whole piece. The reality was and still is that the piece was relatively simple and easy to understand. Not much analysis must be made to interpret the essay. It was pretty much straightforward. Doors are meant to maintain our privacy, letting our secrets remain secrets. And I have to be honest, I love them.. especially when they have functional locks. 

I speak of this because I've just felt the need of locking my doors lately to send a message to my family. You see, in our house, knocking is not a habit. They just barge in. It wasn't until my brother got married that an ounce of manners about privacy was introduced but for me it is too little of an effort to be accounted for. Case in point, my mom used to read our text messages when we are asleep. I feign sleeping one time when I heard her walk into our room and I caught her reading our messages. Yes, that's our mom, the parent who should have set good examples. She didn't. Apparently, she's never a good example and I've learned not to imitate whatever she's doing. But that's a totally different topic. Anyhow, it is then expected that before you enter the door, you knock. That's one thing that my family can never seem to learn how to do. 

As of this moment, I've been invaded so many times that I can lose count already. O_o 

And I Write Again.

I remember telling myself that I shall not write again. Apparently, I forgot to promise myself not to write again. I just settled for a decent sabbatical. After all, two years of being an editor-in-chief as an extracurricular activity for a cum laude student nurse wasn't a joke. It was stressful trying to balance out the academics and plotting and following through with the great plans for the publication. Needless o say, it took a lot from me and I needed appropriate amount of rest. So, I declined the offer of the Medicine Student council president to be part of the supposed Medicine publication, Sulo. I was really tempted but I ended up deciding to give myself a break. I knew that if I accepted the job, I would end up in the same fate. I also know for a fact that it's not in my personality to just do everything in a mediocre fashion. It has to be grand. Even if I convince myself that it is not necessary and I should not do things in such grandiose levels, I can only last for a couple of hours or a day at most. After the forced display of discipline, I revert to my old form of intense obsessive compulsiveness and I find myself trying to make everything with a bang. That said, this time around, I must practice complete discipline and resist trying to join the publication. And to do that, I convinced myself that I should avoid writing altogether. After all, my skills deteriorated after being exposed to a lot of erroneous and juvenile "masterpieces". So, there. I stayed away from one of my passions - writing.

Well, at least I tried. 

It was restarted a little bit when I started blogging once again. I've kept a blog since 2005. I had it running ever since and it has reached at about 1,000 posts. It used to be a public blog but after a messy occurrence, I decided to make it private with only few trusted eyes being able to chance upon the content. It was working for me. I don't need to have that expecting feeling towards the things I express. In a sense, if I make something accessible to the public, I would be longing for that sense of affirmation that I've grown a bit accustomed to. Making it private eliminated the feeling of "pressure". However, it also eliminated the feeling of communication and my initial purpose of keeping a blog. I wanted to use it to update my friends with the things that I am doing especially when it reached a point that we became too busy or our schedules were too different to sustain a decent communication pathway. In simpler words, when we are not able to update each other with text messages, I see blogging as a feasible way. Thus, I created another blog - this blog. Which has public access. I place some random stuff here that I believe would be safe to share with others. I haven't done something academic or that intellectual lately. I'm trying to lay off those things because I was saturated with them back when my term. And I was planning to keep it that way.

However, things didn't go as planned.

During the Medicine Week, we sort of had some free time. I was supposed to rehearse for Medwards when one of my classmates encouraged me to join the University of Santo Tomas Medicine Alumni Association (USTMAA) On-the-spot Essay Writing Contest. I was skeptical at first. It has been a while since I joined a competition. At the same time, I was trying to lay off writing for a while. But I have to be honest, I missed it. Anyhow, I pushed through. I didn't really care about winning. I just missed that feeling of being able to write again and I was really happy to be reliving that feeling. I sort of felt the same zest that I felt back when I was in grade school. It's like it doesn't matter anymore if you're output sucks, just as long as you are writing and expressing yourself. It was really nice to have a feel of that again after being so trapped in the obligatory writing process.

Thereafter, we just went on with our med school stuff without really minding the results. My friend and I brought it up once but we didn't bother asking the organizers for the results anymore. In my mind, I didn't really care. I got my reward already. I got the flame back. :) It actually reached a point where I was asking about the offer that the Medicine Student Council President gave me back in June. I was thinking of having a little journalism in my life once more. However, the publication was shut down and it was a whole different story that doesn't really deserve much space here. Anyhow, I resorted to some writing in the blogosphere as my outlet from time to time. Well, it kept me sane from Med anyway. :) So, I just continued with my daily routine until one day, I saw my name posted as a 3rd placer in the contest.

Well, that's a cherry on top. So, tomorrow, I'll be attending the awarding ceremonies of the USTMAA. I don't really know if I should attend. I don't feel like I really deserve to attend it. I mean I think they'll just be awarding the 3 of us and the board topnotchers. I hope the 1st placer and 2nd placer show up. Otherwise, that would be weird. Anyhow, we have to be in our barongs and thank goodness I just had one made for my brother's engagement! I'll try to look as normal as possible later. As for now, I'll study Biochemistry. I want to make it really good. I just computed my grades, I think I'm not going to make it to the Dean's List anymore and that's just sad! :( So, I'll make do with what I have and bid you a goodbye!

Sorry for the lengthy post! Haha!

Update (Clip Notes Version)

My brother just got married. It was before the hell week of an exam week started. I'm so freaking tired and I don't know what I am going to do. :)) Haha

Old Habits Die Hard

Yesterday, I got so conscious with my grades that last night, I really tried finalizing my excel and input all of my scores in quizzes in their respective places. Yes, I was on GC mode again. The results of the exam was a bit devastating that I just can't help but compute for my grades to see how badly I faired for this shift. Needless to say, it was really bad. I was thinking of ways that I may somehow save my downward spiral for the 4th shift. I suppose I should really work it out now. I have to prioritize and ensure that I won't back down. Let's see what will happen. Hopefully, things go well.

Oh. Yeah. Another thing that died hard was the habit of binge eating. Yes, you guessed it right. I did that again last night. I really need to get decent outputs. Otherwise, I'll fall into the dooms of depression. :( 

Burning the Midnight Lamp

I hate where I stand right now. I'm not used to being in a lag state and having to chase after my schedule just because I failed to accomplish things that I should have done way back.

As of the moment, I'm trying to study Biochemistry but I am taking a longer than normal time and I still have a class in a little while. I am not a fan of this situation but I have to deal with it. Not to mention, I didn't do really well in the last 2 quizzes and the departmental examination. Add to that, my samplexes were wrong. O_o I hope things go for the better.

So far, 3rd shift was another landslide. (This is still 3rd shift). Yet, 4th shift seems to be promising. Let's see. :)

Last Stretch

It's everywhere and I really hate it.

I can see it in places I've never seen them before.
I should not gain weight. I don't have the warrant to do so. I mustn't then.
It's just difficult. But it's possible.
Nothing is impossible.
It will be the last stretch that I shall ever see.
I hate the remnants but I can't imagine having more.
I'm hoping that a retreat would allow it to retire.
Oh well, reality sucks.
But I think I have much incentives for anorexic attacks.
I just wish I could fight through the half-baked bulemia.
I can't seem to get myself to gag. Haha.
Crap. I'll just do what I can.

Prolonged fasted state, here I come.