Within the edges of that blank sheet, I poured my heart out. I wrote the things that I felt that won't ever be materialized into words coming out of my mouth. Behind these words were the emotions that I believe have been preventing me from moving on. As I form the letters and witness the ink surging through the pen, I felt myself forcing out all the baggages I've accumulated over time. And when I burned that letter, it felt as if I was burning all the excess shit in my life.
Maybe it's all mind conditioning or whatever. But all I am saying is: I am moving on.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
All I needed was that answer and when I get it, I'll know what to do with my life.
I've been pondering about where we stood for quite some time. Did she really want to end things? Everything just seemed so real for me and it hurts to think that it's actually just a fantasy. I know we've talked about it before and we've agreed to end it. But there was just a big part of me that can't help but think that I might be giving up so easily. I can't help but second guess my practicality and futuristic views that even though she is set to take her USMLE and establish a practice overseas, that it is not yet set on stone - that she may actually stay here, that someday, somehow, we can be together. Yes, I was actually thinking of the possibility of settling down with her. I mean what was the point of entering a relationship when the endpoint in mind is not marriage?
But there it was. It was a NO. I don't think I need to ask anything else. I think that was the resounding answer for everything else. No. She didn't love me. She just gave it a shot. Perhaps she enjoyed the company. Just perhaps. But certainly she enjoyed having someone to court her. That, I suppose, she cannot deny. It's over. Perhaps it was never really anything for her. But for me, I just learned hard enough that it really is over. There is nothing left for me but to move on and learn from this shit.