Here's the conversation. I'm blue, she's red.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Here's the conversation. I'm blue, she's red.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
She opened up with a message asking if I could talk to her because she needed someone to talk to.
Yes, of course, that was always my role and field of expertise... listening to problems and trying to help whoever I can. I said yes... Only to be surprised with what she replied: It was about Elton.
I knew it. He's courting her. I don't know why she never thought that it would be weird for me to hear this. When she did, it was too late. I told her to just tell me.
He wants to be her boyfriend. Wow. Okay. What's next then?
She didn't say yes. She's confused.
We went on talking and etcetera.
Until her final text....
I think we should just be friends too. I'm sorry. Okay. Thanks.
Yeah. You broke my heart on Christmas Day 2011. Let's end it this way.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
My brother (the second brother whom I call DiHya) just got engaged and he's going to get married on January 15. His fiance seems to be nice. We don't know her much yet, really. My brother sort of made sure that we didn't know any of her girl friends especially when he broke up with the one that he introduced to us. It was weird, of course because the girl was quite close to us. So, when they broke up, it was just sad and all of the sudden. After that, he never introduced any of the girls to us. Well, that was until he was about to marry her. :) She's okay. But as usual, there's always a point of disagreement and argument and the shit has just introduced itself to us. Ack. January 15 is the day. Good luck to my brother.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
I know you're not yet ready.
I am not too.
But I don't want to bottle everything up
and say nothing when I really feel for you.
So, if in case you feel for me too,
I am willing to wait until forever
just don't make me wait in vain
especially when you know I've been through this hell before
and it will crush my heart
if you just let me fall
It's over and done. It's been years. But I still can't get over what happened. There are days when I still couldn't accept the fact that he is gone and that he actually committed suicide. I still can't forgive myself for not doing anything at the least. I know for a fact that I can't do anything if he really wanted to kill himself but I can't help but think that I could have made him feel better and helped him get out of his depression. I guess it's because of the TV why I would be this affected with what had happened years ago. However, I am usually a mess during these times because his birthday and death anniversary is near. I still relive the moments when he last talked to me and when I last found out how things went. It was painful. We all had to accept it and move on. But the scars are still there. After what happened to him, I vowed to myself that I would do whatever I can to prevent something like this from happening again. I felt the pain that a friend/brother would feel if he loses someone by suicide and I don't dare inflict the same pain to any of my friends. Blah. This is so crazy, insane shitness. I hate this but this is what it is and I have to deal with it. I guess I'll just visit his grave soon.. I hope he's happy wherever he is now.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Strike 2. One more and it's astalavista baby.
Choose between hot-tempered and difficult-to-please.
Swerte. We have the perfect excuse. :D
Yes. A lot of people hate me but I believe there are more that like me. Well, at least I'm being who I am. :)
I will have a concert and the chorales and singing groups I've performed with have to showcase their talents. It'll be a celebration of music and arts. I'll have a duet with Kyla, Jed Madela, Martin Nievera, Gary Valenciano, Adele. I'll sing with Nursing Chorale and Medicine Chorale. I'll have a duet with my singing partners before. I'll perform with Cluster D Medwards and have a reunion of the Hairspray crew plus my high school class' West Side Story. :)) I would love to have that for the last day of my life. :)))))
Hindi. Tao ako.
I give when I need to and I take when I have no other choice. I try as much as I can to keep it balanced.
She gave me presents for my birthday.. She didn't do it just for a day. It was a series of anonymous gift giving and surprises. I didn't even know who she was that time. :))
Thursday, November 3, 2011
If I were to turn back time, I won't change a thing. There's a reason for doing these things. I'd stick to it.
Yes. I think almost everyone has one.
Yes. :) I'm lucky to have these friends. :)
I'd rather not. It is a composite of my being and altering anything would result to a different me. Things happen for a reason. It's best to just accept it and make the best out of it.
But to answer this in a restated question of: "What year was the most difficult for me?", I would say 2005 was challenging.
Yeah. My friends. :)
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Nakakamiss din pala yung sangkatutak mong tanong. (BUT do not take this statement as a trigger) Haha! :)
Don't worry! When the mood hits me, I shall indulge and bombard. :D
Unfortunately, in some situations, that's how it is.
Everything is ticklish. Thus, I don't like being touched.
I do sleep. Although I wish I don't need to, I still do. First thing? Pee.
I see no point in doing so. It will always be black. :))
It's either I sing or I treat the ailments of people. Go figure which path I'm taking now. :)
Yes. Unfortunately, I'm quite allergic to alcohol especially if it's not processed well or if it's not an "okay brand". I went red once when I tried a bottle of San Miguel Light. Same thing happened with certain brands of red wine.
Honestly, yes. I do know my limits though. ;)
Friday, October 28, 2011
I only had two options back then. Either I'll be making a living as a singer or I'll be a doctor. Those are the 2 things that I see myself doing eveyrday for the rest of my life.
I wanted to sing again. I auditioned for the Medicine Glee Club and I got in.
It depends on the situation. It depends on who I am with. I am capable of being both. Different people would say different things. If I'm with a giver, I am a taker. When I'm with a taker, I am a giver. I play both but I won't abuse.
Why? Because I believe in balance. I'd like to keep things balanced.
Tahan Na by Kyla
The story and the words used in telling the story in itself is already heartbreaking. The melody and how Kyla sang it was just... Wow.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Oh yeah, I'm contemplating on dropping. It's far from my personality but I am thinking about it.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
I need to make sure that I'll survive and do well. It sucks, I'm getting really low scores.. :( It's heartbreaking.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
If you really make an effort and read the textbook, it will actually make your life easier. I was trying to force myself to sleep last night because I was still a little bit sick and I know that undue stress would do me no good. So, I started to toss and turn on my side of my mom's bed trying to find the spot where the sand of little old sand man was severely concentrated. But to my despair, I can't find the right spot. I'm still awake as ever and I don't know why. I really wanted to be knocked out because I know for a fact that I need more sleep for now than I usually do. After all, I wouldn't want the incident yesterday to happen. To those who don't know, I was sort of bed-bound yesterday. It was general body malaise that prevented me to rise from the bed and pretend as if nothing hurts and I'm a Popeye that took in heap-loads of Spinach. Anyhow, this morning wasn't a bearer of that bad news anyway despite the few hours of sleep. I believe it's just a little bit of colds and sore throat now. :) Going back, I just saw the parts that were also in the manual and it would be really useful if I give some time and not cram whatever I'm reading. More or less, whatever I've read last night is still in my head. Somehow, I should remember where I came from, what I've been through and what I am capable of. Perhaps, doing this would be helpful as I venture on in Med School. :)
Monday, October 3, 2011
Excuse my outburst but I had to burst because my head is almost bursting. I hope this will be gone by tom..
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Despite the hectic schedule of a medical student, I still find time to have one of my senses tune into the news channels. My eyes are focused on what I am reading and I am selectively listening to the news feeds on a local news channel. I would only look at the screen whenever I am on a break or if something unusual was being reported. However, what I've heard is not only unusual.
Just a week ago, an infuriated wife set out to kill her cheating husband and she chose to do it at a mall. Then, a few days ago, we've heard of another case, this time involving two gay teenagers who were termed as lovers doing the same thing. Two similar cases but was treated differently by the public.
On one hand, the action of the wife who was engulfed with concupiscence was not approved by the majority but was still given much leave for her situation. Perhaps it was because of pity or sympathy that somehow mitigated her murderous act but it does not take back the fact that she ended a life. On the other hand, the action of the homosexual teenager seemed to have elicited a lot of negative responses and no understanding at all from the public. First on the hot seat was the sexual preference of the teenagers before they thought of the lack of supervision in the parents' parts and the lack of security in the mall owner's part.
It's saddening how two very similar situations can be seen in two different lights just because of out culture and impulsivity. Somehow, a lot of factors could have come into play and should have been considered.
Has anyone considered the ages of the suspects? One was a minor who was termed by most ethical and legal premises as an individual who has yet to become fully knowledgeable and understanding of his or her actions and its consequences. the other one was an adult with a child or two whom she would have to support. I am not aware if there are any support groups like Gabriela backing her up or anything but if they were, I believe they were fighting for a wrong cause. I would have understood her actions and considered it IF she was being mistreated or abused in any way. But in the news reports, it seemed that she acted impulsively. She mentioned that she cannot bear with the situation of having to take care of her child all alone and that she was set to murder her husband and kill herself afterwards. I believe most support groups are their to empower people who are oppressed to take the right cause and fight for their rights. They are not there to encourage people to kill others. At any rate, have all measures been exhausted to make the relationship work or perhaps to terminate the relationship in a decent manner? If not, will killing another human being ever be a justifiable resort? It may be true that the suspect was engulfed with her emotions and passion but again that is really hard to prove unless you were there at the situation. Nonetheless, defined by the law, the wife was of LEGAL age and could be trusted to act according to moral norms. The child was not.
Somehow, it seems that being homosexual was deemed as an aggravating circumstance for this case. I have no discriminations for the homosexuals except when they invade too much of my space but I don't believe that being gay predisposes you to commit such a crime. The two situations happening in a narrow time difference would be a testament that LOVE and the inability to deal with love or the misconceptions of how love should be is the problem. It seems that it's more of a moral dilemma that we have to deal with in order to resolve the problem completely. The whole issue about homosexuality is a different issue and should not be injected to this case just because a homosexual was involved.
This seems to be one of the factors that cannot be excused at all. A vast majority spend their leisure time in malls which were considered to be a relatively safe place... until now. It is indeed undeniable that the lax security of the malls are one of the big factors that precipitated the crime. Fingers could either be pointed at the strictness of security guards or the lack of their number. Whatever it is, clearly something has to be done. Mall owners should take responsibility and increase the number of security personnel. At the same time, security agencies should also device a protocol of detecting dangerous weapons or paraphernalia which may be brought in to the malls. Whatever these mall owners or security personnel should do, they must do it at once and ensure that measures will be made.
Somehow, it may seem that this is only applicable for one of the situations. However, I recall in the news story that the wife entrusted her child to her mother. I don't have maternal instincts and I won't ever have one. But I would like to think that it should have kicked in at that instant. I cannot imagine a mother consenting her daughter to commit murder and suicide. Even if the suspect already had a mind of her own and can decide for herself, I believe that proper advice from her parents especially when traces or clues were apparent must be elicited. As for the teenager's case, the parents obviously lacked supervision and they admitted that. Hopefully, parents would be more weary of their children's activities and be more involved. Well, the right type of involved - not to the point of privacy invasion.
Many fingers have been pointed and whoever or whatever that can be blamed has been blamed. But in reality it's a mumbo jumbo of all these things. As I would always say, it's not pointing out who's responsible. It's taking responsibility to make sure that it would never happen again. All these factors have contributed to the situation - not just a single one. Whatever the root of cause could be, we should explore what can be done in order to prevent the recurrence of such tragedies and restore the safety and security we can enjoy in public places.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I just really hope that I am really having difficulty adjusting because that would mean that it's bound to get better. Otherwise, it would just flat out suck. :(
Monday, September 5, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
I key in a letter to form a word. A word that I'm hoping would be able to illuminate the shadow of my thoughts. Then, I realized that it wasn't enough for me. I need a whole sentence. I typed in more words to make it complete. I was able to complete my sentence. But I felt something inside that made me want to go on. So, I let things loose and started to go on with my scribbling. Before I knew it, I'm suddenly doing what I loved to do once again. I suppose the heart of a writer can never cease beating unless life was taken away from him.
I am a writer. I live in my words and my words breathe me. We are two inseparable entities. We may take a vacation from each other only to preserve our relationship but never to completely divorce from one another. I am a writer who has climbed his way to the top of the chain. Now, I'm beyond the chains and positions. It's merely for maintaining the literary nirvana the writer in me has longed for. I write for no greater impressions nor to hide my inhibitions. It's for pure expression and storytelling. With that, I need nothing more.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Clearly, I've been going through some personal ordeals. I tried to lock myself away and focus but I just can't do that because I can't seem to let this go. So, even as much as I persisted to study for the exams, I wasn't able to do well. This has always been the case when it comes to dealing with things that really get to me. It got to me.
I'm just quite grateful for the relaxation mode after the exam. I don't usually hang with people and play. But I'm glad to have done otherwise. It was a good day of playing Rockband with some Med friends and meet up with my Nursing friends afterward. However, it just sucks that I have to be here at home now.. back in this miserable place.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Would you even care?
Did you ever care?
How much do I mean to you?
By now, you probably learned how to sum me up to a few pieces of your precious and beloved bills.
I have been equated to just one of your many accounts which you can exchange.
That's how easy it is, isn't it?
I don't mean a thing to you at all.
I'm just a son that you've converted to a slave of all your wants.
After much utilization, I have no other worth.
I am not one that you love nor to your opinion brings about honor.
I am not one that you find worth supporting but you just love to emburden.
It's okay for me to lose everything just as long as my brothers won't lose anything.
It's easy for you to let me go because you believe that I can stand alone.
Yes, you've neglected me more than everyone else even when I was still young.
I'm tired and I want out.
That's it. You've caused me more pain than anyone else.
I wish you knew this somehow.
I can no longer take care of you.
Apart from my name,
What else do you know?
What else do you CARE to know about me?
Apart from the blood,
and perhaps some traits and mannerisms,
what binds us together?
What other links exist to connect us with each other?
Do I matter to you?
Did I ever?
I had never imagined that my worth to be degraded to a few material things.
I never imagined life to be this difficult
that you would make it this difficult for me.
I don't know how to feel anymore at times.
I just want out.
I just want to let go and let things fall apart.
I can no longer hold on to things that I wish were still here.
I can no longer let you hold me back and pull me down.
I won't allow you to hurt me anymore.
I miss him. I wish he was still here. I felt more loved by him than you.
I wish I could tell you all of these. I wish I could scream them to your face.
I don't believe that you love me. I haven't believed in that for a long time now.
You made me doubt the phrase that there is no parent that doesn't love his/her child.
You made me spite all the TV shows that depict a parent loving the child more than himself or herself.
I lost faith in you. I lost all hope.
I no longer believe that things can be better. I don't believe that there could be a better tomorrow.
I'm broken down.
Now, I don't believe that I have any place that I can call home.
You don't know how much you've made my life so difficult.
You don't know how many times that I wanted to just kill myself so that I do not need to bear with this.
I honestly just want to drop dead right now.
I don't want to live anymore if this is the predicament that I would always have to face.
I can't be the perfect son.
You are asking for all the unreasonable things in the world.
I wish that somehow this would dawn upon you.
Please try too.
Monday, June 27, 2011
My term is over and now, I am back to being a normal writer/blogger who has no obligations of making everything as perfect as how the ideal picture would be. I can make mistakes and no one would really magnify it. Well, at least not to the magnitude as it used to be.
I can write again. I can express again. Little by little it has come back. Now, I just need to hold on to it and not let the extreme measures subject it to the previous torture that it had endured.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Can I really do it? - such an overused question I throw at myself. The results would range from me succumbing to my fears or me victoring over them. It's always a choice.... and I have to keep that in mind.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Tomorrow would be the first day of my being a Medicine student. I don't really know what's going to happen or what the hell I entered in. I have no idea. I just wish, hope and pray that this journey would only be a good ride. hopefully, it would be a better venture than what I had in Nursing and that I would actually meet great people and make incredible friends. I'm happy that I am going to enter this part of my life with some old faces whom I've grown accustomed to in the past few years. I just hope things would go well and that I would be able to be victorious all throughout the challenges. My past is behind me now. It's a new beginning - a chance to start all over again. I will make it better. :)
Well, first day jitters would involve forcing myself to sleep. Haha. Wish me luck on that. :))
Until then. Good bye! :)
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Back in Grade 1, I was the gold medalist for our math contest. But before that, I was a bit clueless about mathematics. I wasn't able to add anything that needed to be carried over back when I was in Prep III. I know I shouldn't be remembering such things from my childhood but somehow I do remember a lot of things when I make mistakes. That would be my Random Fact No 3 - I learn best from my mistakes. But let me finish this one first. I still do like Mathematics and I still have my mental computing abilities intact. However, the path I've taken doesn't utilize Mathematics as much. Math is simply something that I can pass without studying. I can't speak the same for the advanced subjects like Calculus and Trigonometry. But in general, I'm good in Math. Not to mention, I'm Chinese. :))
I learn best from my mistakes.
Somehow, that's how I learn best. I can try to sit down and face the books and memorize whatever I can try but I swear I will not be able to absorb everything that I read. I need to make mistake in quizzes and then I will remember things. Just like how my teacher humiliated me because I was always perspiring and I have oily skin back in Prep II. I shall never forget that evil teacher Mrs. Zenaida Ona for calling me to the platform and citing me as an example of a very unhygienic child. I suppose she didn't learn how to be a good educator with that. I also cannot forget how my Prep III Chinese teacher also told me that I didn't deserve to be an honor student just because I fail her Chinese subjects and fly in the English subjects. I suppose these are the learned experiences that led me to become the opposite of who I was when I was a child. Wow, good insight. Bwahahaha! :))
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tomorrow (or later)
I don't know what movie..
It doesn't matter because I am with her.. :)
Sunday, May 29, 2011
It is understanding what the question is especially with the awful grammar that the board examiners have.
Here I am trying to endure the grammar errors. So far, I can see that most of their questions would end up with two answers to choose from in the end. The other two choices are plainly irrelevant, useless and stupid.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
It seems that the aversion toward writing is really giving itself a permanent rest. It makes sense. I love to write and it's been a huge part of my life. I believe this is the first art form that I've developed. I may not be insanely good at it but it's not the point. It's more on the expression part. I may not be done with the one-liners expressing much anger but I'm done with holding things back. I'll still resort to different art forms but I'm giving writing a resumption. Cessation was just temporary. I just needed a time off to miss what I love doing. And now that I missed it much, I'm going to give it a go. :)
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Lately, I just developed the aversion for writing. It pains me to sit on a chair and face my beloved laptop and write my heart away. Perhaps, it would be because my words will no longer be heeded. They would no longer matter and they would no longer be read. Worse, they would be read but would mean nothing because the true meaning beneath each well-structured sentence would be incomprehensible to each pair of eyes that would take view of my soul. Idealistic thinking. Yeah.
I went on a "hiatus" because I had so much bad experiences being the editor-in-chief of our college's publication for 2 damn years. That's probably one downside of my personality. I tend to look at the negative things that took place that I am not able to pull back for a while and look at the things that I've actually accomplished. To me, it's nothing. It's incomplete. It's lacking. I could have done more and I could have done better. However, I believe that was what I could to with the circumstances that I had. I brought myself to the job and did not bring the job to me. I just assumed a role and now I have to let go of that role. However, while I was assuming that role, I experienced a lot of things that I would not usually experience as an individual. I suppose this just has to make me stronger because it didn't kill me. I didn't allow it to kill me. I've never been so late and tired of working as compared to how I am now. I suppose I just reached my limit. There were a lot of boundaries crossed, limits pushed, and people whom I allowed myself to tolerate when normally, I would just shut them down. It's how I deal with people. Enjoy who I want to be with and ignore those that I deem insignificant. With the job, it wasn't an option. I had to deal with a lot of people whom I believe is not amiable at all.
Anyway, all those shit led me to abhor writing. Not to mention, reading numerous gramatically incompetent articles made me so susceptible to grammar errors my own. Now, after some time that I am done with all those shiz, I can go back to being the old writer that I am. I shouldn't hate writing. It didn't do anything bad for me. I should just hate the job of being the EIC and the people that made it difficult for me. Haha. Just kidding. Let go, let go. :) I'm letting it go. Don't bring it up though because the memories are plain bitter.. sweet.
It'll just be something that made me stronger then.
See how incoherent I can be in my blog entries. :))
I could care less.
I just let my thoughts flow here and I swear that I am so not thinking of whatever. Haha. Good night.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
I am 237.6 pounds. I didn't eat after the game. The only problem is, I drank Gatorade. Ack. Lesson learned. I shall stick with water.
Ack.. and now, I can't shit well.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
So, today, I stepped on the weighing scale and found myself 45-50 pounds heavier than I was at about 4 years ago. I cannot believe it and I cannot condone it. I don't know which diet to take but I am sure that I am going to go on a diet like hell yeah and match it with exercise because that's how it really is for me. I'll go on my random weight loss program and try to lose as much weight before I go to med school. Ack.
This is it. I'll be weighing myself every morning..
Day 1: 239.6 lbs
Monday, April 18, 2011
It was in grade school during one of those undying theme papers our teachers asked us to write. I don't know why but I somehow enjoy writing those compositions and I find myself wanting to write on all the topics that they gave us as options. I usually get commended for having a nice composition and I've experienced having my masterpieces being read in class. Although, it wasn't all a hit. I had misses here and there but I just love to write. So, I cared less.
The journey continued on with theme papers in my elementary school life until I decided one day to brave the odds and joined our school paper, the Judenites. Luckily, I was able to get in and be trained in campus journalism. My talents weren't always recognized because the people I work with are insanely good and I am so proud to have worked with them because they really made me a better writer. I've grown so much in Judenites, especially after staying there for more than 4 years and being trained by great mentors. It was insane. It's the students that really made the publication alive and it was a great feeling to be producing issues that we've worked so hard for as a team. I don't know if I could speak for my EIC back then but for me, it really felt great. I suppose those were my best memories of being in a publication. We were able to compete in various competitions and we did place and I had a family there. I felt the camaraderie beyond the publication. Well, I suppose it's incomparable especially if I was able to spend a longer time with my fellow Judenites.
Anyhow, to continue, I entered college with the mindset of focusing on my academics alone. In my consciousness, I've done practically everything that concerns extracurricular activities - representing the school in different Chinese singing contests, one of the Associate Editors of the Judenites newspaper, vice president of the math club, secretary of the Knights of the Altar Society, SJCS Racketeers varsity player, Literary Editor of Scratch Comic Book Club, Member of the Science Club and Member of the Drama Guild and other activities. I just haven't had any academic awards at all. I was in the honor roll in 1st and 2nd year high school but that never happened again after. As I said, I'm at rank 40-50 from 179 students. I wanted to have an academic achievement in college. I wanted to steer clear from extracurricular activities and that included writing. I actually entered an agreement with my friends that I will not join any organization in college.
I spoke too soon.
I entered the Nursing Journal because the call of passion was simply irresistible. I signed up despite my mother's disapproval and she didn't know that I joined the paper not until I was to become the editor-in-chief and brought up the topic.
As a writer during the first year, it was a nice ride. I loved the experience in the sense that I was able to work on really interesting topics and meet great personalities. I know for a fact that making interview articles is my forte. I love meeting people and getting to know them through conversations and letting people know how great these persons are. I was able to interview Fr. Factora before he became our college regent. It was an awesome experience and I loved being a writer. However, as a writer, I was able to see some room for improvement. In my mind, I knew that I might not grow in the organization so I was contemplating on leaving or staying. I was finding more reasons to leave when I was suddenly offered by the editor-in-chief to become his features editor. It was quite a decision to make. I've said to myself, "Well, you wanted to do something. This is the opportunity."
I accepted the job even if I knew that I would have to handle writers from higher levels. It was quite a challenge. I remember having a nasty encounter with my soon to be features editor (as I became his editor-in-chief) when he challenged me in our first online encounter. but it was a good experience. I was already feeling a bit of the burn out but it was okay. I was still able to write and cover some events and I was able to find the whole ensalada enjoyable. Unfortunately, I didn't make it to the Dean's list for the first semester in my second year. I was then offered by my EIC to take his place for the next year. I was hesitant to accept the job but as I said before, I wanted to make a difference and this is the opportunity to share God's gifts to me and be a gift or "blessing" to others. I made sure my grades were really high for the second semester and then I finally accepted the job.
Third year was a hell year and being the editor-in-chief didn't make it easy. It was also accreditation year and the expectations for me was really high. They were really expecting a lot from me being the EIC in my junior year. It was tough. It was brutal and there were a lot of moments when I just wanted to quit. I mean I do not enjoy this. I enjoy writing. I hate the editing part and having to deal with incompetent buffoons who call themselves writers. Add to that, I had to face a lot of detractors and people who give unsolicited advices which were far off from the utmost principles and foundations of being a journalist. It was difficult to move around a world where people are so critical of whatever you are doing and where people think highly of themselves. Every issue that was released have criticisms here and there. It was either a grammar error that slipped my eyes, a layout glitch, a printing error, the delayed release... the list is endless. I have had great betrayals from non-cooperative writers who chose not to write and exploit the publication's errors publicly. I had to work with people who just know how to complain but did nothing to make things better. Heck! These people may be in the publication but they didn't even write when they needed to write. What's worse was there were people who couldn't write, draw or take pictures who can't stop their complaining. I just wonder what could they have done if they were in my position. I swear, if they asked for it, I gave it to them. I didn't want the position. I just want the art. I just want having to make a difference. If there was someone better for the job, I would have given way. That's my principle. I am not selfish enough to prevent the publication from having a better leader.
Okay, I've ranted too much once again, I suppose. Anyhow, it was truly challenging - being the editor-in-chief of the Nursing Journal. I got really burnt out and now, I find myself having a difficult time in writing anything.
Perhaps, I developed a repulsion or aversion when it comes to writing. The negative experiences are forever attached to the art that I was so passionate about. I wasn't able to write for quite a while and perhaps the only thing fueling me with this composition is because I needed to release all of this crap that I've kept intact for the duration of my editorship. I've grown tired of not expressing what I normally expressed through my compositions. I am tired of not being able to express my feelings and sentiments toward people because of my job. I am tired of keeping my mouth shut about this load of crap and concealing the hell I lived with from the others.
People think it's easy. Perhaps it would have been easier if I wasn't running for honors or I was smarter. This is me. this is what I'm given so I'll have to make the best out of it. But I guess that's also the problem. I was given the gift of writing. I had that craft. I enjoyed it and I had so much enthusiasm...
But now, it seems that it is at large...
I can't seem to write the way I used to write...
I can no longer find the words...
I don't have that same drive I had when I was starting..
I can no longer sit still and finish a composition when I'm quite lucid
I can't sit still and try writing or editing for more than 5 minutes.
My stress reliever became the sole source of my stress.
While the service was fulfilling, it was personally detrimental.
While, I was blessed with the opportunity to make a change and I would like to think that I did, I was also cursed with the burn out... and the unfortunate circumstance to see that the world can be infested by parasites.
For quite some time, I was at a lost for words. For this sporadic moment, I am not. But tomorrow, I may very well be. I don't know. But I wish things would go back to the way they were. Back when I was still happy being surrounded by my lovely words.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
For you, you were able to reap a few minutes of laughter with that stupid and foolish act. For me, it reminded me of all the things that I had to endure because of that flaw in my life. Yeah. I hope you're still happy with what you've done. Because even as we speak, I'm hurting and I might be hurting for a long time.
Thank you for being so fucking sensitive.