Friday, December 30, 2011

How It All Ended

Here's the conversation. I'm blue, she's red.

Still up?

Yeah. Sup?

Merry christmas mervs!
i need some advice okay lng magtext tayo?

Merry Christmas! Yes, what is it about?

About elton? Sorry kung sau ko sinasabi. Ok lng ba sau? Insensitive ba ako sau? Wala na kasi ako makausp.. But it is ok kung yaw m.

Nandyan na. Nasabi mo na. Nanliligaw ba?

Sorry... Cge. Nevermind... So insensitive of me... Ok lang naman. Have a happy christmas! :D

Nah. It's okay. We're friends anyway. What's up? Nag-aakyat ng ligaw? If you like him, entertain mo na. Nakwento mo dati kung gaano siya kaokay

Ndi siya nanliligaw. He wants me to b his gf. Im really shocked. N i dnt know what to do. Sobrang bilis ng pangyayari.ndi ako umoo ofcourse i need time to think. Ang bilis. Tapos huling isap nmin knina na ok n kami but now ndi siya nagrereply and wala n siyang fb account or ndi k n siya friend sa fb. Ewan ko.

Wow. That's.. Incredible.
Kilala mo na rin siya ng matagal tagal, di ba? It's really up to you. If you see him in that manner, then give it a shot. Pero, isip ka na lang ng mabuti. As for how he is reacting, maybe he's going through some stuff and he'd like to be alone for a moment..

So weird... Ang bilis ng lahat. I dnt know.. I also need time to think. Ndi ko naman naisip na magkakagusto un sa akin eh. I never thought that way sa kanya. Ewan.. Hai..
yah... Maybe he needs time but its really unfair...

Sabi ko nga sayo, I think he likes you... It is.. But life isn't always fair..

Ndi ko lubusang maisp... Ndi kasi ako yung type na girl niya. Totally oposite.

Well, you're not exactly unlikable either. Plus, the proximity. Would you want to talk about it? I can call.

Ndi n. May tao dito. Idnt want them to hear bout it.
i dnt know... Nagulat ako sa knya..

Ok. At least alam mo na ngayon.

Bkt... Bkt ako pa.. Hai..

What made you say or ask that?

Kasi ok naman na friends kami.
saka ndi naman ako likable. I dnt get it. Really..

Tingin mo ba tatanda kang dalaga? X.x

Ndi naman. Gusto ko naman magasawa noh. Saka yaw ng parents ko na maging kami. He's filipino remember..

Bawal ba? Some allow na kasi. Anyway, gusto mo mag-asawa, pero you don't think someone would like you?

Uhm.. Ndi sila strict pero they prefer chinese. And kasi nagbigay ng flower si elton so tinanung nila kung nanliligaw. So ang sinabi ko na lng oo. And their reaction is not good. Yaw ni mama..

I see..

Hai.. Bahala na.. Itutulog ko na lng. Cant stop from crying.. Thanks mervs! I appreciate it. Sobra...
and maybe i think we're better as friends na rin.. im sorry...

Yeah. Of course. He's your best friend and you really care about him.
Sige, itulog mo na lang if that's what you feel like doing.
Okay. It's okay. At least you're being honest right now at hindi mo na rin pinatagal. Good night. Merry Christmas.

Goodnight mervs! Thank you so much for everything. Merry christmas!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Heartbroken on Christmas Day

I was just playing the PSP when I received a message from her. I knew it was something weird. Then, she mentioned about Elton. Yeah. On Christmas day, she opened up about her problem with a friend. How convenient. And I was spending my time playing the PSP because I didn't want to be drowned in my thoughts... Because I was at times thinking about her. I didn't want to fall. I didn't want to invest too much because I knew that it might end up in nothing. But I guess that's just mission impossible. Because I knew that I liked her. I just didn't know how much... Until today, when she broke my heart. I finally learned how much I've suppressed the feelings that I could have for one girl... Just because of my past.

She opened up with a message asking if I could talk to her because she needed someone to talk to.

Yes, of course, that was always my role and field of expertise... listening to problems and trying to help whoever I can. I said yes... Only to be surprised with what she replied: It was about Elton.

I knew it. He's courting her. I don't know why she never thought that it would be weird for me to hear this. When she did, it was too late. I told her to just tell me.

He wants to be her boyfriend. Wow. Okay. What's next then?

She didn't say yes. She's confused.

We went on talking and etcetera.

Until her final text....

I think we should just be friends too. I'm sorry. Okay. Thanks.

Yeah. You broke my heart on Christmas Day 2011. Let's end it this way.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Wedding Bells Are Ringing... Again

Finally, I get to blog again because it's the Christmas season. This means that I still have a Christmas vacation. With the challenges of med school, it's quite difficult for me to find the time to blog and express what's on my mind. Anyway, here's the latest update.

My brother (the second brother whom I call DiHya) just got engaged and he's going to get married on January 15. His fiance seems to be nice. We don't know her much yet, really. My brother sort of made sure that we didn't know any of her girl friends especially when he broke up with the one that he introduced to us. It was weird, of course because the girl was quite close to us. So, when they broke up, it was just sad and all of the sudden. After that, he never introduced any of the girls to us. Well, that was until he was about to marry her. :) She's okay. But as usual, there's always a point of disagreement and argument and the shit has just introduced itself to us. Ack. January 15 is the day. Good luck to my brother.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

... And I guess I forgot to write while I was drowning of wallowing melancholy that only med school can bring.

Saturday, November 12, 2011


It's just the first week back in school and I am already feeling tired. The first day felt as if it was Friday and I was all beaten up with the mountainous tasks that had to be accomplished. What's worse is that it's the time of the year. Haaay.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Break My Heart into Pieces

I know I did you wrong at some point.
I know you're not yet ready.
I am not too.
But I don't want to bottle everything up
and say nothing when I really feel for you.

So, if in case you feel for me too,
tell me.
I am willing to wait until forever
just don't make me wait in vain
especially when you know I've been through this hell before
and it will crush my heart
if you just let me fall

The End

I should be cramming for Biochemistry and Anatomy right now. I would normally be undoing because I just came home from a friend's party and it's 11 o'clock. I have loads of duties and responsibilities to fulfill and yet I am on this page writing my thoughts away. Perhaps, it's mainly because of what is playing on TV right now - CheChe Lazaro Presents Suicide. Am I suicidal? I don't think so. I haven't committed suicide but I must admit that I had thoughts before when I became depressed. I've also heard someone told me to do it. Yes, it is indeed weird. I bet if you're reading this and you're clueless of who I am or even if you know who I am, you'd think I am crazy. I suppose I am. But I am still alive. Now, why would I be writing about this right now? It's simply because I am still bothered with what happened to my friend years ago..

It's over and done. It's been years. But I still can't get over what happened. There are days when I still couldn't accept the fact that he is gone and that he actually committed suicide. I still can't forgive myself for not doing anything at the least. I know for a fact that I can't do anything if he really wanted to kill himself but I can't help but think that I could have made him feel better and helped him get out of his depression. I guess it's because of the TV why I would be this affected with what had happened years ago. However, I am usually a mess during these times because his birthday and death anniversary is near. I still relive the moments when he last talked to me and when I last found out how things went. It was painful. We all had to accept it and move on. But the scars are still there. After what happened to him, I vowed to myself that I would do whatever I can to prevent something like this from happening again. I felt the pain that a friend/brother would feel if he loses someone by suicide and I don't dare inflict the same pain to any of my friends. Blah. This is so crazy, insane shitness. I hate this but this is what it is and I have to deal with it. I guess I'll just visit his grave soon.. I hope he's happy wherever he is now.

Friday, November 4, 2011

if you are given a barbie doll, will you go to bed early?


Strike 2. One more and it's astalavista baby.

If there was one thing that you could bring back from the past, what would it be?

My dad.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

your worst asset/trait/characteristic?

Choose between hot-tempered and difficult-to-please.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

malas ba o swerte ang mga taong may allergy sa mga alcoholic drinks?

Swerte. We have the perfect excuse. :D

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?


Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?


Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Does anyone hate you?

Yes. A lot of people hate me but I believe there are more that like me. Well, at least I'm being who I am. :)

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

If you have one day left to live what would you do and why? :)

I will have a concert and the chorales and singing groups I've performed with have to showcase their talents. It'll be a celebration of music and arts. I'll have a duet with Kyla, Jed Madela, Martin Nievera, Gary Valenciano, Adele. I'll sing with Nursing Chorale and Medicine Chorale. I'll have a duet with my singing partners before. I'll perform with Cluster D Medwards and have a reunion of the Hairspray crew plus my high school class' West Side Story. :)) I would love to have that for the last day of my life. :)))))

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

What is your favorite movie?:)

Shattered Glass.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

plastic ka ba?

Hindi. Tao ako.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Do you consider yourself to be a giver or a taker? Why?

I give when I need to and I take when I have no other choice. I try as much as I can to keep it balanced.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

What’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you?

She gave me presents for my birthday.. She didn't do it just for a day. It was a series of anonymous gift giving and surprises. I didn't even know who she was that time. :))

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

How old is too old for a teddy bear?

School age.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.


Lately, I haven't been updating my blog despite the luxurious time that I am blessed with which we call semestral break. Well, it's just that during breaks, I am not keen on updating anyone about me except for some select friends that I know truly cares about what's going on with my life. In a few days, I will head back to the masochistic-sadistic life I live in medical school. It seems as if I just want the constant presence of avoidable pressure if only I chose a different career path. Well, I figure that I would be able to help more people with the path I am taking and it's not like I have much of a choice now anyway. But I suppose for now, I shall stand still with my decision that I might stop if I fail a subject. 

Anyhow, what has been up lately?

I am trying to lose weight because I don't feel well anymore. There are times that a flight of stairs would already be a challenge for me. I suppose I'm just not used to the sedentary lifestyle. I am going on a diet soon.. together with my mom. Add to that, I figured ti will be really useful if and when I join the UST Medicine Badminton Varsity Team. Apart from that, I hate the sight of stretch marks. I already had them and I figured I wouldn't want to add more to that. I hate being an ugly piece of crap. Sa Med, bobo na nga ako, pangit pa? Ayaw ko nga! Saan na lang ako pupulutin niyan diba? Sige na ako na bobo, pero pwede naman umayos itsura ko eh. Haha. Shit. That was a stupid thing to say. :))

Apart from that, I'm becoming the TV series junkie that I am. I hate to push off all those academic requirements but I can't help but give in to temptation because I just really want to cherish the vacations I have left. Anyhow, I'm going crazy for singing competitions, specifically X FACTOR both UK and USA version. I already have my bets. It's hands down Melanie Amaro for me. :D She can outsing anyone! For X Factor UK, I'd go for Misha B. :) Oh well, I'm sleepy now. Update next time. 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Frogs: Friend or foe?


Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

if you are going to turn back time, how many days are there in a week?

If I were to turn back time, I won't change a thing. There's a reason for doing these things. I'd stick to it.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?


Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

Yes. I think almost everyone has one.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Yes. :) I'm lucky to have these friends. :)

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Of course!

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

I'd rather not. It is a composite of my being and altering anything would result to a different me. Things happen for a reason. It's best to just accept it and make the best out of it.

But to answer this in a restated question of: "What year was the most difficult for me?", I would say 2005 was challenging.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

Yeah. My friends. :)

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Nakakamiss din pala yung sangkatutak mong tanong. (BUT do not take this statement as a trigger) Haha! :)

Don't worry! When the mood hits me, I shall indulge and bombard. :D

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Does it have to be Action speaks louder than words but still words hurt more than action?

Unfortunately, in some situations, that's how it is.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

What part of your body Tickles you the most?

Everything is ticklish. Thus, I don't like being touched.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

What is the first thing that you do when you wake up in the morning? (that's if you sleep :)

I do sleep. Although I wish I don't need to, I still do. First thing? Pee.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

What if you were kidnapped, will you change your favorite color?

I see no point in doing so. It will always be black. :))

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

What do you want to do in life?

It's either I sing or I treat the ailments of people. Go figure which path I'm taking now. :)

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?

Yes. Unfortunately, I'm quite allergic to alcohol especially if it's not processed well or if it's not an "okay brand". I went red once when I tried a bottle of San Miguel Light. Same thing happened with certain brands of red wine.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Are you a competitive person?

Honestly, yes. I do know my limits though. ;)

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Date tayo this sat @moa concert grounds? :)))

No thanks.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

What do you want to do in life?

I only had two options back then. Either I'll be making a living as a singer or I'll be a doctor. Those are the 2 things that I see myself doing eveyrday for the rest of my life.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Tell me about a recent goal you accomplished.

I wanted to sing again. I auditioned for the Medicine Glee Club and I got in.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Do you consider yourself to be a giver or a taker? Why?

It depends on the situation. It depends on who I am with. I am capable of being both. Different people would say different things. If I'm with a giver, I am a taker. When I'm with a taker, I am a giver. I play both but I won't abuse.

Why? Because I believe in balance. I'd like to keep things balanced.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

what is your favourite depressing song?

Tahan Na by Kyla

The story and the words used in telling the story in itself is already heartbreaking. The melody and how Kyla sang it was just... Wow.

Ask, but with sense and substance please. Stupid anonymous questions WILL be ignored.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

So Far, So Good

It's halfway our examinations and all I can say is, so far so good. I haven't hit below 70 for this shifting exams as compared with my 1st shifting exams where I didn't really get anything that reached 80 except for Anatomy. I'm already satisfied with my grades in Anatomy and Biochem. I'm happy with Prev Med. I never thought that it would feel that good to be exempted. How I wish I can manage to get exempted in all subjects but that is just not possible especially for me. I am not THAT smart. I am actually dreading Physiology and Histology. Those are the subjects that I need to do better at. So, I have to prepare over the weekend. But I just can't help but be grateful cause it's so far, so good amidst the pressure we have in Med School. 

Well, I start studying now. :)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011


Biochem is so long. I wish I have retained more than what I did. It would be an easier task then. I don't plan to pull an all-nighter. Just a semi one. I hope things work out for the best.

Oh yeah, I'm contemplating on dropping. It's far from my personality but I am thinking about it.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Vicious Cycle

I've entered med school knowing that it would be more difficult than what I am used to... I just didn't brace myself for this much disappointment. I must admit that I am quite an achiever back then. But now, I'm just a normal Joe. Heck, I'm now holding on for dear life. There will be days that I'll have my episodes of "high grade highs" and then I will sink down to my "low grade lows". There is no sense of stability. Basically, it's an absolute state of adventure where I would never really know what would happen to me or what would become of me. All I know is that I am trying to hold on to dear life and I feel that I am slowly slipping away. Reality bites but i just have to deal with it..

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Sleeping through

Today or tonight, I was supposed to go to a gathering with my friends. Kath was going to Shanghai for a year and she was throwing a party so that she could see us before she leaves. I was going to go since I don't have any plans for the day and I felt like I needed a reward for pushing through the whole week while I was sick and suspected to have dengue. Well, I wish I was able to go to the party but I wasn't. I slept in the afternoon and apparently, it reached the night. I slept through the event and I missed the gathering. I haven't seen my best friend for a long time now and I haven't seen much of my friends except for the ones in med school. I need to see my non-med friends soon. I really do and I will after the shifting examinations.

I need to make sure that I'll survive and do well. It sucks, I'm getting really low scores.. :( It's heartbreaking.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


It took me a while to have some certain realizations yesterday. :))

If you really make an effort and read the textbook, it will actually make your life easier. I was trying to force myself to sleep last night because I was still a little bit sick and I know that  undue stress would do me no good. So, I started to toss and turn on my side of my mom's bed trying to find the spot where the sand of little old sand man was severely concentrated. But to my despair, I can't find the right spot. I'm still awake as ever and I don't know why. I really wanted to be knocked out because I know for a fact that I need more sleep for now than I usually do. After all, I wouldn't want the incident yesterday to happen. To those who don't know, I was sort of bed-bound yesterday. It was general body malaise that prevented me to rise from the bed and pretend as if nothing hurts and I'm a Popeye that took in heap-loads of Spinach. Anyhow, this morning wasn't a bearer of that bad news anyway despite the few hours of sleep. I believe it's just a little bit of colds and sore throat now. :) Going back, I just saw the parts that were also in the manual and it would be really useful if I give some time and not cram whatever I'm reading. More or less, whatever I've read last night is still in my head. Somehow, I should remember where I came from, what I've been through and what I am capable of. Perhaps, doing this would be helpful as I venture on in Med School. :)

Monday, October 3, 2011

Reality of the Situation

Here's the reality of the situation. I was absent in Biochem because I was so sick this morning that my head was aching and I can't get up. I am just pissed at some people who would still want me to go at far distances things that I am not really supposed to handle. They can be leaders themselves but they want to rely on someone else and that for me is pure suckiness and dependence. It's not my responsibility and I wish that you would have considered the circumstance. Ang hirap kasi parati na lang gusto mo na ikaw nakakatanggap. Pag di ka binigyan, madamot na kami. Kung umintindi ka kaya?

Excuse my outburst but I had to burst because my head is almost bursting. I hope this will be gone by tom..

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Hairspray High

You can't stop the beat! 

Haha. I'm still with a last song syndrome on that one. I really missed the stage. I really missed performing. I gave it a rest after high school because I focused on writing. I wonder how it would have been if I really participated in our class's (Nursing) production of Fame. I guess it would have been really fun. But anyhow, I wasn't able to contribute anything so I guess this was the chance. I loved the experience. We had to sacrifice a lot but it was all worth it. I'm glad that I joined and I've met a lot of amazing and talented people. :) I'm still having the hairspray high. Unfortunately, my body isn't.

Behind the Scenes
I only had an hour or two of sleep prior to the performance day. Needless to say, I was very much immunocompromised and whatever I did on that day was out of pure heart and unlimited supply of glucose from all the fruit juices that I gulped that day. I'm just grateful that everything went smoothly and I didn't faint. :) I just hope I would be able to recover tonight while I'm semi-preparing for the hell week that's coming. I hope things go well. :) 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

After the Storm

I woke up today still feeling a tad bit tired from yesterday's rehearsals. I got ready for school and as usual, I chose to enter the building a tad bit late. I don't know what's up with this day or what would be in store for us simply because class suspensions aren't our friends in terms of the schedules. It seems that everything would be suddenly disorganized because everything had to be moved. This week should be our Medicine Week celebration but the activities have been postponed and we are not even certain when it would be. 

I was walking along the drive toward my building and it's just funny how taunting the skies could be. The rays of the sun hit the floor as if there was no storm the day before - as if it had not taken away much lives. Yet, as I walk, I see the remnants of the catastrophe. What would have been a loud and festive week was silenced and the venue simply deserted. Everybody trying to grab a book and attempt to move on with their lives, picking up where they left and hoping that things would be as normal as it was. 

Well, we could all at least try. 

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Ending it with a BANG!

Love can kill.

Despite the hectic schedule of a medical student, I still find time to have one of my senses tune into the news channels. My eyes are focused on what I am reading and I am selectively listening to the news feeds on a local news channel. I would only look at the screen whenever I am on a break or if something unusual was being reported. However, what I've heard is not only unusual.

Just a week ago, an infuriated wife set out to kill her cheating husband and she chose to do it at a mall. Then, a few days ago, we've heard of another case, this time involving two gay teenagers who were termed as lovers doing the same thing. Two similar cases but was treated differently by the public.

On one hand, the action of the wife who was engulfed with concupiscence was not approved by the majority but was still given much leave for her situation. Perhaps it was because of pity or sympathy that somehow mitigated her murderous act but it does not take back the fact that she ended a life. On the other hand, the action of the homosexual teenager seemed to have elicited a lot of negative responses and no understanding at all from the public. First on the hot seat was the sexual preference of the teenagers before they thought of the lack of supervision in the parents' parts and the lack of security in the mall owner's part.

It's saddening how two very similar situations can be seen in two different lights just because of out culture and impulsivity. Somehow, a lot of factors could have come into play and should have been considered.

Has anyone considered the ages of the suspects? One was a minor who was termed by most ethical and legal premises as an individual who has yet to become fully knowledgeable and understanding of his or her actions and its consequences. the other one was an adult with a child or two whom she would have to support. I am not aware if there are any support groups like Gabriela backing her up or anything but if they were, I believe they were fighting for a wrong cause. I would have understood her actions and considered it IF she was being mistreated or abused in any way. But in the news reports, it seemed that she acted impulsively. She mentioned that she cannot bear with the situation of having to take care of her child all alone and that she was set to murder her husband and kill herself afterwards. I believe most support groups are their to empower people who are oppressed to take the right cause and fight for their rights. They are not there to encourage people to kill others. At any rate, have all measures been exhausted to make the relationship work or perhaps to terminate the relationship in a decent manner? If not, will killing another human being ever be a justifiable resort? It may be true that the suspect was engulfed with her emotions and passion but again that is really hard to prove unless you were there at the situation. Nonetheless, defined by the law, the wife was of LEGAL age and could be trusted to act according to moral norms. The child was not.

Somehow, it seems that being homosexual was deemed as an aggravating circumstance for this case. I have no discriminations for the homosexuals except when they invade too much of my space but I don't believe that being gay predisposes you to commit such a crime. The two situations happening in a narrow time difference would be a testament that LOVE and the inability to deal with love or the misconceptions of how love should be is the problem. It seems that it's more of a moral dilemma that we have to deal with in order to resolve the problem completely. The whole issue about homosexuality is a different issue and should not be injected to this case just because a homosexual was involved.

This seems to be one of the factors that cannot be excused at all. A vast majority spend their leisure time in malls which were considered to be a relatively safe place... until now. It is indeed undeniable that the lax security of the malls are one of the big factors that precipitated the crime. Fingers could either be pointed at the strictness of security guards or the lack of their number. Whatever it is, clearly something has to be done. Mall owners should take responsibility and increase the number of security personnel. At the same time, security agencies should also device a protocol of detecting dangerous weapons or paraphernalia which may be brought in to the malls. Whatever these mall owners or security personnel should do, they must do it at once and ensure that measures will be made.

Somehow, it may seem that this is only applicable for one of the situations. However, I recall in the news story that the wife entrusted her child to her mother. I don't have maternal instincts and I won't ever have one. But I would like to think that it should have kicked in at that instant. I cannot imagine a mother consenting her daughter to commit murder and suicide. Even if the suspect already had a mind of her own and can decide for herself, I believe that proper advice from her parents especially when traces or clues were apparent must be elicited. As for the teenager's case, the parents obviously lacked supervision and they admitted that. Hopefully, parents would be more weary of their children's activities and be more involved. Well, the right type of involved - not to the point of privacy invasion.

Many fingers have been pointed and whoever or whatever that can be blamed has been blamed. But in reality it's a mumbo jumbo of all these things. As I would always say, it's not pointing out who's responsible. It's taking responsibility to make sure that it would never happen again. All these factors have contributed to the situation - not just a single one. Whatever the root of cause could be, we should explore what can be done in order to prevent the recurrence of such tragedies and restore the safety and security we can enjoy in public places.

Sunday, September 25, 2011


Somehow, I'm having quite a persistent headache. I think I'm going down with the flu and it cannot be any less unfortunate since tomorrow I'm going to join an essay writing contest and I'm also rehearsing for broadway. Not to mention, I still am a medical student and I have a lot of pending things to do. So, I'll just have to brace myself for that. Good luck to me. I hope I can get everything done really well.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Somnolent Detachment

Somehow, I became really lethargic lately. I can't seem to get myself to do anything lately. I always want to sleep or I always end up sleeping. Weird.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


I can't describe how bad it hurts to be in Medicine and be less than mediocre here. It's so hard when you are used to getting by so well and then suddenly feel as if you are as good as trash in a different world.

I just really hope that I am really having difficulty adjusting because that would mean that it's bound to get better. Otherwise, it would just flat out suck. :(

Monday, September 5, 2011

Actions speak louder than words

Just today, I had this epiphany. Words are futile and actions are more effecting than those words. I have to do things and not say that I have to do them. I noticed that that has been the difference lately. It's always scheduling to do this and accomplish that. When the scheduling means nothing compared with actually doing it. I should keep that perspective. Actions speak louder than words.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Academic Frustrations

Our 1st shifting grades were just released last week and saying that I am frustrated with my remarks is a complete understatement of how I am feeling right now. I know I could have really done better and displayed more maturity to save the disaster that I am beset with right now. To be honest, I am not really certain how I'll be able to bounce back from this dilemma. I guess I have no choice but to pick the shattered pieces one by one and let the wounds heal. 

They always tell me that I have the capacity to bounce back or I'll be able to find my way. I can't help but think, "What if I can't?" But what the heck. I just have to keep on trying. One step at a time. Life is not about maintenance. It's resilience. I need to keep that or find that. 

So, I Write Again

I key in a letter to form a word. A word that I'm hoping would be able to illuminate the shadow of my thoughts. Then, I realized that it wasn't enough for me. I need a whole sentence. I typed in more words to make it complete. I was able to complete my sentence. But I felt something inside that made me want to go on. So, I let things loose and started to go on with my scribbling. Before I knew it, I'm suddenly doing what I loved to do once again. I suppose the heart of a writer can never cease beating unless life was taken away from him.

I am a writer. I live in my words and my words breathe me. We are two inseparable entities. We may take a vacation from each other only to preserve our relationship but never to completely divorce from one another. I am a writer who has climbed his way to the top of the chain. Now, I'm beyond the chains and positions. It's merely for maintaining the literary nirvana the writer in me has longed for. I write for no greater impressions nor to hide my inhibitions. It's for pure expression and storytelling. With that, I need nothing more.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Again and again

Now, the time has come once again for the self-absorbed and self-conceited to reign. My mom's birthday is coming up and she's throwing another celebration. I don't know. I'm not that inclined to celebrating. They killed my birthdays year after year at some point in my life and the disappointments made me believe that there is nothing special to celebrate about every birthday except being thankful that God gave me another day. I mean.. counting by years is counting things collectively. Why not go for the days instead? That would make you realize how much more you are blessed by virtue of the great number that can be very appealing to the human eye.

Anyhow, I am really grateful for another year that my mom has reached and I do hope that she would have many more years to come. I'm just not that inclined to her celebrations. It can really be a stress inducer. I am lucky to have avoided it because of my medical shiznitz. Don't get me wrong. I like to be the one to throw and sponsor or organize her party. It's just not feasible with me being a medical student. Add to that, my siblings aren't really setting an example. they haven't organized a damn thing. Plus, who can when my mom organizes her own? Hehe. Oh well. I'm just going to try to enjoy it. So, for now, I shall study my butt off because I know it will be an insane week. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Today was Physio Shifting exams day and I let myself go.

Clearly, I've been going through some personal ordeals. I tried to lock myself away and focus but I just can't do that because I can't seem to let this go. So, even as much as I persisted to study for the exams, I wasn't able to do well. This has always been the case when it comes to dealing with things that really get to me. It got to me.

I'm just quite grateful for the relaxation mode after the exam. I don't usually hang with people and play. But I'm glad to have done otherwise. It was a good day of playing Rockband with some Med friends and meet up with my Nursing friends afterward. However, it just sucks that I have to be here at home now.. back in this miserable place.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

If I was taken away from you right now, at this very second, would it even matter?
Would you even care?
Did you ever care?
How much do I mean to you?
By now, you probably learned how to sum me up to a few pieces of your precious and beloved bills.
I have been equated to just one of your many accounts which you can exchange.
That's how easy it is, isn't it?
I don't mean a thing to you at all.
I'm just a son that you've converted to a slave of all your wants.
After much utilization, I have no other worth.
I am not one that you love nor to your opinion brings about honor.
I am not one that you find worth supporting but you just love to emburden.
It's okay for me to lose everything just as long as my brothers won't lose anything.
It's easy for you to let me go because you believe that I can stand alone.
Yes, you've neglected me more than everyone else even when I was still young.
I'm tired and I want out.
That's it. You've caused me more pain than anyone else.
I wish you knew this somehow.
I can no longer take care of you.

How much do you know me?

How much do you know me?
Apart from my name,
What else do you know?
What else do you CARE to know about me?
Apart from the blood,
and perhaps some traits and mannerisms,
what binds us together?
What other links exist to connect us with each other?
Do I matter to you?
Did I ever?

I had never imagined that my worth to be degraded to a few material things.
I never imagined life to be this difficult
that you would make it this difficult for me.
I don't know how to feel anymore at times.
I just want out.
I just want to let go and let things fall apart.
I can no longer hold on to things that I wish were still here.
I can no longer let you hold me back and pull me down.
I won't allow you to hurt me anymore.

I miss him. I wish he was still here. I felt more loved by him than you.
I wish I could tell you all of these. I wish I could scream them to your face.
I don't believe that you love me. I haven't believed in that for a long time now.
You made me doubt the phrase that there is no parent that doesn't love his/her child.
You made me spite all the TV shows that depict a parent loving the child more than himself or herself.
I lost faith in you. I lost all hope.
I no longer believe that things can be better. I don't believe that there could be a better tomorrow.
I'm tired.
I'm beaten.
I'm broken down.
Now, I don't believe that I have any place that I can call home.
You don't know how much you've made my life so difficult.
You don't know how many times that I wanted to just kill myself so that I do not need to bear with this.
I'm done.
I'm tired.
I honestly just want to drop dead right now.
I don't want to live anymore if this is the predicament that I would always have to face.
I can't be the perfect son.
You are asking for all the unreasonable things in the world.
It sucks.
You suck.
I wish that somehow this would dawn upon you.
I'm trying.
Please try too.


Apparently, I was not able to update my public blog anymore. 

As I said, I have  a private blog and a public blog. I just ranted too much in my private blog, I suppose, and I never made an entry that would be suitable for the public's eye. But now, I'm back to writing and probably inserting some rants here and there. 

As you may know, I am currently in UST Med School and I am really having a hard time coping with all the stresses. I am not used to getting low scores. I am not used to being at the bottom of the chain. I'm not that much of an achiever. I'm not always on top nor am I on top. I don't plan to be anyway. It's just that I'm always at the upper bracket. So, being in the lower to middle bracket is just something that I am not used to. I am not doing well. I am just surviving, hanging on a thread and bordering on failure. I need to focus now. I need to let things go and let myself do the best that I can. Thus, I write again. 

It's so difficult for me to do so badly each day. I've gone through depression for a few weeks back because I feel that I've been degraded into a good for nothing pile of dirt. I wish I could somehow do better just good enough to graduate with honors. I will need it if I want a good career in Medicine. But I suppose it will only be given to me if it's meant for me. But heck! I shall work for it nonetheless. 

In another department, love is quite a distant stranger nowadays. 

I don't know how she feels really. Somehow, I feel that she's skeptical and she wants me to take a committed step. But I just can't. I don't know if there's a future for us. I don't think she's open to it as well. I don't know. I'm sparing myself from a devastating heart break. Ack. I'll stop now and start studying. 

I just want out of this black hole. 

Monday, June 27, 2011


I've hated writing for quite some time. I hated it because I forced myself to write so many times just because my job compels me too. There was no passion, no meaning.. no reason. It was purely transactional and devoid of any inspiration that I would normally have even with the word choice and the phrasing stylistics I employ. It was just purely for the sake of accomplishing the task and making sure that it was an article decent enough to be written by the 2-time editor-in-chief of the UST Nursing Journal.

My term is over and now, I am back to being a normal writer/blogger who has no obligations of making everything as perfect as how the ideal picture would be. I can make mistakes and no one would really magnify it. Well, at least not to the magnitude as it used to be.

I can write again. I can express again. Little by little it has come back. Now, I just need to hold on to it and not let the extreme measures subject it to the previous torture that it had endured.

Monday, June 20, 2011

At the Back of My Mind

Today, a shadow that brings light haunts me again. 

Time may have been an essential element to bring about acceptance in life. But the memories that remain cannot be shattered through the test of time. Apparently, the feelings have the same fate. 

Years have passed since a heartbreaking event took place and although the occurrence itself had made me stronger, it still reserved a soft spot that can always be triggered. They say that when you lose someone or something, there is something to be gained. But then, when you lose someone or something this important, no gain can simply replace the loss or even compensate for it at the very least. 

As I trudge across the seemingly endless road, I think back on all the reasons that I venture on. Am I doing it right? Am I making him proud? Am I being the best that I can be to bring justice to his name? 

There simply are days when I will have to ponder on these thoughts time and time again. There are simple fragments of instances where I will stop at what I am doing and take a step back to reassess if this is where I want to be - if this is where he would have wanted me to go or perhaps if I am making him proud. A decade may have passed but the residues still remain. I believe it's not anything bad. It doesn't hold me back. It just makes me go on and on. It makes me reevaluate the path that I am taking, how I am taking it and how I should see it in an appropriate light. I don't know as much. I opt not to dream and communicate through my subconscious or unconscious. I don't welcome that space unlike my siblings who can readily see what message was meant to be sent. And I'm greatly appreciative that I am not one to sense because my active imagination brought about by my "creative" writing sense make me fixated at the preschooler stage. But I believe I have my own way of communicating with him. I miss him. I still love him and it will forever stay that way. How can it not be? 

More than a decade may have passed... Perhaps even after many decades will pass but that 10 years would never be forgotten. Thank you, Daddy. I love you. Happy Father's Day! I suppose I'll be intensely thinking about you again on August. I'm always lost in my thoughts during that month. Hope you're proud of who I am right now. :) 

***And I thought I wouldn't be writing again. A short story from my brother about a dream he had a while ago made me lost in my thoughts and started typing in some words. Same rule applies... Write to express, not to impress. I'm no longer an EIC.. Just the same old writer that I enjoyed being.. and this is my therapy. 

Friday, June 10, 2011


Everyday seems to be a battle between me and my fears. The outcome would just depend upon my choice of succumbing to it or overcoming it.

Can I really do it? - such an overused question I throw at myself. The results would range from me succumbing to my fears or me victoring over them. It's always a choice.... and I have to keep that in mind.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

First Day

I wasn't really that ecstatic about my first day in med school. Somehow, it seemed as if it was an extension of Nursing or a fifth year so to speak. But it's more hellish. I'm not so used to being a nobody in Med. But I guess that's okay too since I would want to have a different feel to it. I'll just focus on my studies now.

First day jitters all over again

Tomorrow (or should I say later) would be the start of a new chapter for me.

Tomorrow would be the first day of my being a Medicine student. I don't really know what's going to happen or what the hell I entered in. I have no idea. I just wish, hope and pray that this journey would only be a good ride. hopefully, it would be a better venture than what I had in Nursing and that I would actually meet great people and make incredible friends. I'm happy that I am going to enter this part of my life with some old faces whom I've grown accustomed to in the past few years. I just hope things would go well and that I would be able to be victorious all throughout the challenges. My past is behind me now. It's a new beginning - a chance to start all over again. I will make it better. :)

Well, first day jitters would involve forcing myself to sleep. Haha. Wish me luck on that. :))

Until then. Good bye! :)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Random Fact No. 5

I have a short temper. I really can't endure things when plug has been sparked. I easily get ticked off with things and I throw a fit when I can no longer control how mad I am. This usually happens when things are work-related and escape is not possible. But for the instances that it is possible, I just leave. It's something that I have been working on for so long. Well, it's better now but it's not yet completely okay.


昨天才說, 今天就發生了。 我在一個部份不及格。 我要讀書了。 天主,感謝您! :)

Friday, June 3, 2011

Random Fact No. 4

I actually play volleyball. I'm not good at it but I know how to play and I know the basic rules. I'm an enthusiast and basically, that's how I could classify myself for now. I used to play volleyball in high school and I was the one who has the strength to spike serve the ball over the net... But I can also hit it outside. I never got to be in the varsity team but that is another post. ;)

Thursday, June 2, 2011


剛才我們都答了一些練習考卷。 我應該上個星期要開始溫習了。 但是我突然累了。 我想一想大概是要上醫學的事情讓我感覺別開始溫習的。因為醫學開始的時候我都不能休息了, 所以我現在沒有在讀書。 而還在等到開學實在開始讀書。 這真的是一種不好的習慣, 但是我感很難改變了。 我現在應該在讀書但我真覺睡覺更重要。 所以我應該跟你們說晚安了。

Random Fact No. 2 and 3

I used to be a Math geek. :)

Back in Grade 1, I was the gold medalist for our math contest. But before that, I was a bit clueless about mathematics. I wasn't able to add anything that needed to be carried over back when I was in Prep III. I know I shouldn't be remembering such things from my childhood but somehow I do remember a lot of things when I make mistakes. That would be my Random Fact No 3 - I learn best from my mistakes. But let me finish this one first. I still do like Mathematics and I still have my mental computing abilities intact. However, the path I've taken doesn't utilize Mathematics as much. Math is simply something that I can pass without studying. I can't speak the same for the advanced subjects like Calculus and Trigonometry. But in general, I'm good in Math. Not to mention, I'm Chinese. :))

I learn best from my mistakes.

Somehow, that's how I learn best. I can try to sit down and face the books and memorize whatever I can try but I swear I will not be able to absorb everything that I read. I need to make mistake in quizzes and then I will remember things. Just like how my teacher humiliated me because I was always perspiring and I have oily skin back in Prep II. I shall never forget that evil teacher Mrs. Zenaida Ona for calling me to the platform and citing me as an example of a very unhygienic child. I suppose she didn't learn how to be a good educator with that. I also cannot forget how my Prep III Chinese teacher also told me that I didn't deserve to be an honor student just because I fail her Chinese subjects and fly in the English subjects. I suppose these are the learned experiences that led me to become the opposite of who I was when I was a child. Wow, good insight. Bwahahaha! :))

Random Fact No. 1

I am a writer by heart. This is probably the first talent that I have developed. I knew that I have a knack for writing ever since I was in Grade 1. I can't really claim to be the best and I would readily announce it to people - that I am not the best. There are people far better than me but I'm a good or great one especially in campus journalism. I'm quite adept with the English and Filipino language and that really works to my advantage. So, there. I'm stating one of the obvious - my love for writing is intrinsic. Thus, the existence of this blog and the persistence of my devotion and passion to the craft. I suppose I can never really leave writing but I can choose where to write. :) Why? Well, that's going to be another random fact. :D

Random Facts About Me Series

I suddenly had this idea of doing a random fact about me series. I'll post some random facts about me just for fun. :)) Time to be a little self-absorbed and self-conceited just like a Plurk user who knows no other subject than himself. Yeah. If ever you are stalking me, then you'd probably be able to read this and get the message that you are actually irritating. But I'm turning the shit of having to deal with you into something great - an idea for writing. Who said all the inconvenient things or people in the world should remain as such? :))

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Need to Focus More

I am just done being on the elliptical and on the bicycle. I did this while reviewing. well, so far things go in my mind anyway. I'm listening to the CHN Review right now and regret finally set in. I wish I started earlier because cramming this much won't do me any good.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Can I just say that was really nice? I miss you. :)

Monday, May 30, 2011


I don't really know if I can consider what we are going to have as a date but I am treating it as such. Hopefully, she feels the same way. I hope so because she entertained my invitation to go out with her. :) I don't know when was the last time I felt this way. I can't say that I already love her but I really do like her. :) I hope she likes me too.

Tomorrow (or later)
I don't know what movie..
It doesn't matter because I am with her.. :)

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Preparing.. or trying to.

What is the greatest challenge in taking the board examinations?

It is understanding what the question is especially with the awful grammar that the board examiners have.

Here I am trying to endure the grammar errors. So far, I can see that most of their questions would end up with two answers to choose from in the end. The other two choices are plainly irrelevant, useless and stupid.

I hope I manage to really study this time. 

Need to Lose Weight

I need to lose weight. 

Every morning that I wake up, a heavy feeling greets me and everything just seems to be a drag from there. I can't really say that I hate my body because I've gotten so used to it that I can manage to play with my strengths and compensate for the weaknesses. But as years went by, my weight just kept on increasing and it has manifested through my clothes size. 

I was in control of my weight during high school because I was a varsity player and my schedule was really hectic to the point that eating was not really an option to release stress. I spent most of my time on stage or rehearsing for a performance on stage. If not, I would be caught studying or perhaps sleeping because I've passed out due to exhaustion. Because of that I was only 190 pounds. Yes, I know it is still heavy but if you saw me back then, you'd think I was only 160 pounds. Okay! 170. Haha. At that time, I managed to fit into an large-sized shirt after being limited to XL or XXL. It was going good until I graduated from high school which meant that I graduated from being a varsity player. From that time up to now, I gained at about 50 pounds and I can't wear anything less than an XXL. So, I need to lose weight now. And I shall start. Really start.


I suddenly had an idea of copying the songs in my computer to the laptop with iTunes. Now, it's easier to sort and group songs together. Apparently, I'm going to add more music files soon. :) I'm just not so happy with having 7,500 songs as of now. But it's great revisiting some of them. I remember the songs that I grew up listening to and I'm glad to be able to hear them once again. I also cleaned up a lot of things here as well. Now, I can work better. It's game time. :)

Saturday, May 28, 2011

For some odd ball reason

For some oddball reason, I find myself wanting to start blogging again.

It seems that the aversion toward writing is really giving itself a permanent rest. It makes sense. I love to write and it's been a huge part of my life. I believe this is the first art form that I've developed. I may not be insanely good at it but it's not the point. It's more on the expression part. I may not be done with the one-liners expressing much anger but I'm done with holding things back. I'll still resort to different art forms but I'm giving writing a resumption. Cessation was just temporary. I just needed a time off to miss what I love doing. And now that I missed it much, I'm going to give it a go. :)

Friday, May 27, 2011


Eight more days until med school starts. I am not excited. I am freaked out. There are still lots of things to do..


I was finally able to muster the enough courage and ask her out. After a long time of not trying to give love a host, I guess I'm taking my baby steps to welcome the possibility of allowing myself to fall for someone special once again. I can't say I love her, not yet. But I daresay that she's really someone special to me. I don't want to rush things. I don't want to expect anything. I'd rather have things as it is.. for now. But soon, I'd like to have either a yes or a no - nothing in between. I'm done with non-sense suspension of my fate. I can handle a rejection, just not a hanging on the line. I'm also giving not having things work out as a possibility. But this time, I'd be more receptive of the other end.. I'd love to still be friends with her. But for now, I'll let nature take its course and gravity pull its magic on me.. :)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Let go.

Words, have you become futile?

Lately, I just developed the aversion for writing. It pains me to sit on a chair and face my beloved laptop and write my heart away. Perhaps, it would be because my words will no longer be heeded. They would no longer matter and they would no longer be read. Worse, they would be read but would mean nothing because the true meaning beneath each well-structured sentence would be incomprehensible to each pair of eyes that would take view of my soul. Idealistic thinking. Yeah.

I went on a "hiatus" because I had so much bad experiences being the editor-in-chief of our college's publication for 2 damn years. That's probably one downside of my personality. I tend to look at the negative things that took place that I am not able to pull back for a while and look at the things that I've actually accomplished. To me, it's nothing. It's incomplete. It's lacking. I could have done more and I could have done better. However, I believe that was what I could to with the circumstances that I had. I brought myself to the job and did not bring the job to me. I just assumed a role and now I have to let go of that role. However, while I was assuming that role, I experienced a lot of things that I would not usually experience as an individual. I suppose this just has to make me stronger because it didn't kill me. I didn't allow it to kill me. I've never been so late and tired of working as compared to how I am now. I suppose I just reached my limit. There were a lot of boundaries crossed, limits pushed, and people whom I allowed myself to tolerate when normally, I would just shut them down. It's how I deal with people. Enjoy who I want to be with and ignore those that I deem insignificant. With the job, it wasn't an option. I had to deal with a lot of people whom I believe is not amiable at all.

Anyway, all those shit led me to abhor writing. Not to mention, reading numerous gramatically incompetent articles made me so susceptible to grammar errors my own. Now, after some time that I am done with all those shiz, I can go back to being the old writer that I am. I shouldn't hate writing. It didn't do anything bad for me. I should just hate the job of being the EIC and the people that made it difficult for me. Haha. Just kidding. Let go, let go. :) I'm letting it go. Don't bring it up though because the memories are plain bitter.. sweet.

It'll just be something that made me stronger then.

See how incoherent I can be in my blog entries. :))

I could care less.
I just let my thoughts flow here and I swear that I am so not thinking of whatever. Haha. Good night.

Friday, May 6, 2011


Let me tell you something about respect. I have learned with all my leadership experiences that I have incurred ever since I was young that respect is best earned through show and not scare. The influence should come willingly in a form of open invitation rather than coercion manifested by insecure threats.

You've manipulated a handful of people into doing things that you would want to do just to satisfy yourself. I won't allow that because I choose not to be manipulated by you. I am not as stupid as my friend and I can see the difference because I am more experienced and stronger than he is. I've been at it longer and I know what the rules and regulations exist for. I don't need to oppress others in order to satisfy my insecurities. I don't need to beat others just to display my strengths. I've known for a long time that I could do so without trying to throw comparisons with myself because it's apodictic. Even when I was young, my potentials and strengths showed for itself. I am a formed individual and I don't have residuals of my past haunting me and making me manipulate anyone in the present. 

I would still like to believe your good intentions. I would like to keep the good memories of how I see you as a father and how much I look up to you because doing that would give me hope that somehow, the person that I looked up to and respected was still there. Even if what I have been seeing now is the great change that took place. I didn't choose sides. You assigned me to that side because a lot of people were already on their offense with your camp. I am for the right and for most parts, I don't meddle. I've tried to defend your cause most of the times because I was holding on to the belief that the intentions were always good. Now, I question the intentions because it doesn't seem to be anymore. But, whatever now. I'm leaving the college and you are staying because it's where you work. I don't care about what you are going to do anymore because it's really up to you and whatever your conscience can bear. You can ruin as many people like me but it will never change the fact that you are one insecure individual with frustrations from your past. It will never take away the fact that you are immature enough to bring others down and ruin them. 

You and your babies have spread whatever lies that you want about me and I believe you were successful. I hope you're happy. I also hope that karma will kick your asses soon. I'm not going to do anything about what you've done. If people are true, then things would get better for me. It's up to them to discern what they believe and it's a blessing for me to see who are real from who are not. It's a matter of perspective and how you handle yourself in a crisis. Thank you for this experience. Thank you for the good and bad parts of the relationship. I shall be keeping you at a distant from now on until I can find it in my heart to trust you or see the old you again. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Day 3 - exhaustion

I'm writing my blog as I shit. Yeah. Well, I do that most of the time because that's when I have time for these and the CR is proximal to my brother's room and that's where the WiFi signal is coming from.

I am 237.6 pounds. I didn't eat after the game. The only problem is, I drank Gatorade. Ack. Lesson learned. I shall stick with water.

Ack.. and now, I can't shit well.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Day 2: Let's continue

I'm still drowsy from yesterday's work out. I should have really slept earlier but I'm okay with it. :)

Weigh-in: 236.4 pounds

That is after 10 laps and practically a day of starvation. :))

Monday, April 25, 2011

Because I gained so much weight, this is day 1.

For the longest time, I've keep on complaining and putting myself down because of my weight. Well actually, Bob has been making joke about it without realizing that I'm already getting hurt which probably triggered why I wanted to do this in the first place.

So, today, I stepped on the weighing scale and found myself 45-50 pounds heavier than I was at about 4 years ago. I cannot believe it and I cannot condone it. I don't know which diet to take but I am sure that I am going to go on a diet like hell yeah and match it with exercise because that's how it really is for me. I'll go on my random weight loss program and try to lose as much weight before I go to med school. Ack.

This is it. I'll be weighing myself every morning..

Day 1: 239.6 lbs

Monday, April 18, 2011

Lost for Words

I've been a writer for as long as I could remember. I've always been writing to express myself ever since I was young. I could still recall the first time I've realized that I can write.

It was in grade school during one of those undying theme papers our teachers asked us to write. I don't know why but I somehow enjoy writing those compositions and I find myself wanting to write on all the topics that they gave us as options. I usually get commended for having a nice composition and I've experienced having my masterpieces being read in class. Although, it wasn't all a hit. I had misses here and there but I just love to write. So, I cared less.

The journey continued on with theme papers in my elementary school life until I decided one day to brave the odds and joined our school paper, the Judenites. Luckily, I was able to get in and be trained in campus journalism. My talents weren't always recognized because the people I work with are insanely good and I am so proud to have worked with them because they really made me a better writer. I've grown so much in Judenites, especially after staying there for more than 4 years and being trained by great mentors. It was insane. It's the students that really made the publication alive and it was a great feeling to be producing issues that we've worked so hard for as a team. I don't know if I could speak for my EIC back then but for me, it really felt great. I suppose those were my best memories of being in a publication. We were able to compete in various competitions and we did place and I had a family there. I felt the camaraderie beyond the publication. Well, I suppose it's incomparable especially if I was able to spend a longer time with my fellow Judenites.

Anyhow, to continue, I entered college with the mindset of focusing on my academics alone. In my consciousness, I've done practically everything that concerns extracurricular activities - representing the school in different Chinese singing contests, one of the Associate Editors of the Judenites newspaper, vice president of the math club, secretary of the Knights of the Altar Society, SJCS Racketeers varsity player, Literary Editor of Scratch Comic Book Club, Member of the Science Club and Member of the Drama Guild and other activities. I just haven't had any academic awards at all. I was in the honor roll in 1st and 2nd year high school but that never happened again after. As I said, I'm at rank 40-50 from 179 students. I wanted to have an academic achievement in college. I wanted to steer clear from extracurricular activities and that included writing. I actually entered an agreement with my friends that I will not join any organization in college.

I spoke too soon.

I entered the Nursing Journal because the call of passion was simply irresistible. I signed up despite my mother's disapproval and she didn't know that I joined the paper not until I was to become the editor-in-chief and brought up the topic.

As a writer during the first year, it was a nice ride. I loved the experience in the sense that I was able to work on really interesting topics and meet great personalities. I know for a fact that making interview articles is my forte. I love meeting people and getting to know them through conversations and letting people know how great these persons are. I was able to interview Fr. Factora before he became our college regent. It was an awesome experience and I loved being a writer. However, as a writer, I was able to see some room for improvement. In my mind, I knew that I might not grow in the organization so I was contemplating on leaving or staying. I was finding more reasons to leave when I was suddenly offered by the editor-in-chief to become his features editor. It was quite a decision to make. I've said to myself, "Well, you wanted to do something. This is the opportunity."

I accepted the job even if I knew that I would have to handle writers from higher levels. It was quite a challenge. I remember having a nasty encounter with my soon to be features editor (as I became his editor-in-chief) when he challenged me in our first online encounter. but it was a good experience. I was already feeling a bit of the burn out but it was okay. I was still able to write and cover some events and I was able to find the whole ensalada enjoyable. Unfortunately, I didn't make it to the Dean's list for the first semester in my second year. I was then offered by my EIC to take his place for the next year. I was hesitant to accept the job but as I said before, I wanted to make a difference and this is the opportunity to share God's gifts to me and be a gift or "blessing" to others. I made sure my grades were really high for the second semester and then I finally accepted the job.

Third year was a hell year and being the editor-in-chief didn't make it easy. It was also accreditation year and the expectations for me was really high. They were really expecting a lot from me being the EIC in my junior year. It was tough. It was brutal and there were a lot of moments when I just wanted to quit. I mean I do not enjoy this. I enjoy writing. I hate the editing part and having to deal with incompetent buffoons who call themselves writers. Add to that, I had to face a lot of detractors and people who give unsolicited advices which were far off from the utmost principles and foundations of being a journalist. It was difficult to move around a world where people are so critical of whatever you are doing and where people think highly of themselves. Every issue that was released have criticisms here and there. It was either a grammar error that slipped my eyes, a layout glitch, a printing error, the delayed release... the list is endless. I have had great betrayals from non-cooperative writers who chose not to write and exploit the publication's errors publicly. I had to work with people who just know how to complain but did nothing to make things better. Heck! These people may be in the publication but they didn't even write when they needed to write. What's worse was there were people who couldn't write, draw or take pictures who can't stop their complaining. I just wonder what could they have done if they were in my position. I swear, if they asked for it, I gave it to them. I didn't want the position. I just want the art. I just want having to make a difference. If there was someone better for the job, I would have given way. That's my principle. I am not selfish enough to prevent the publication from having a better leader.

Okay, I've ranted too much once again, I suppose. Anyhow, it was truly challenging - being the editor-in-chief of the Nursing Journal. I got really burnt out and now, I find myself having a difficult time in writing anything.

Perhaps, I developed a repulsion or aversion when it comes to writing. The negative experiences are forever attached to the art that I was so passionate about. I wasn't able to write for quite a while and perhaps the only thing fueling me with this composition is because I needed to release all of this crap that I've kept intact for the duration of my editorship. I've grown tired of not expressing what I normally expressed through my compositions. I am tired of not being able to express my feelings and sentiments toward people because of my job. I am tired of keeping my mouth shut about this load of crap and concealing the hell I lived with from the others.

People think it's easy. Perhaps it would have been easier if I wasn't running for honors or I was smarter. This is me. this is what I'm given so I'll have to make the best out of it. But I guess that's also the problem. I was given the gift of writing. I had that craft. I enjoyed it and I had so much enthusiasm...

But now, it seems that it is at large...

I can't seem to write the way I used to write...

I can no longer find the words...

I don't have that same drive I had when I was starting..

I can no longer sit still and finish a composition when I'm quite lucid

I can't sit still and try writing or editing for more than 5 minutes.

My stress reliever became the sole source of my stress.

While the service was fulfilling, it was personally detrimental.

While, I was blessed with the opportunity to make a change and I would like to think that I did, I was also cursed with the burn out... and the unfortunate circumstance to see that the world can be infested by parasites.

For quite some time, I was at a lost for words. For this sporadic moment, I am not. But tomorrow, I may very well be. I don't know. But I wish things would go back to the way they were. Back when I was still happy being surrounded by my lovely words.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Little Things

Sometimes, it's the small and childish things that we do that hurts others more than we can imagine. It may have been just for fun. But you don't know the wounds that you've opened and the damages that you have done.

For you, you were able to reap a few minutes of laughter with that stupid and foolish act. For me, it reminded me of all the things that I had to endure because of that flaw in my life. Yeah. I hope you're still happy with what you've done. Because even as we speak, I'm hurting and I might be hurting for a long time.

Thank you for being so fucking sensitive. 

Monday, April 11, 2011

Editor's Note

Greetings College of Nursing!
            As our college has reached its 65th anniversary last February 12, The Nursing Journal (NJ), your only and official student publication has dedicated our 2nd Lampara Magazine issue to celebrate this milestone by highlighting the commemorative events for this momentous occasion while still preserving the essence of a campus journal.
Starting with its cover – a depiction of how the lamp shines through and gives light to everything we do. In the middle of our personal and academic challenges surrounding our pursuit of advancing in the profession is the lamp which illuminates and emanates the very much needed light that guides our paths and allows us to clearly see the way. With our Thomasian culture, we are able to shine amongst others and stand out as well-rounded and competent nurses.
Followed by its content, our publication was opened to hear the voices and views of the Thomasian Nursing Studentry and served as a venue where their thoughts, views, and opinions can be heard, or read in this matter, in the form of either feature articles or literary pieces. We hope that through their insights, you’d be inspired to work better not just as a student but as a full-blown nurse. We also hope that by welcoming contributions, we promote the love and passion for the art of writing. Hopefully, this would open the doors for all student nurses, not just the NJ staff, to send us their own compositions, art works and photographs and maintain their creative and expressive outlets. We believe that this is our way as your official publication to unite our college – through what we do best.
            To further celebrate our 65th anniversary, back-to-back with this issue is our first ever literary folio housing 65 literary pieces, either previously published or current masterpieces, giving a glimpse of the life of a Thomasian nurse put into literature. These pieces arise from the thoughts, feelings, experiences or stories of student nurses or professional nurses. We hope that as you read through them, you’d be able to relate and recall your own experiences or perhaps be inspired by them and keep the desire to serve others alive.
            As the quadricentennial year was approaching and the college has turned 65 years old, the publication has truly transformed from initially being handled by the faculty, the responsibility of keeping the publication alive was placed in the hands of the students. Variations have been made to allow the flow of creativity amidst maintaining the traditions of our publication. We believe that things will only get better from here. Congratulations to all of us for a wonderful quadricentennial year and for a great 65 years!

I leave you now with a literary piece I’ve composed for the first Lampara issue last year.

Liwanag mo'y gabay,
sa mundong madilim.

Munting ilaw ng pag-asa,
murang adhikaing nakatuon
sa pagpapaunlad
ng mga pangitain
ng kabataan

nagsisilbing pag-asa
sa sandali ng
Nagsisilbing inspirasyon
sa paggawa ng kabutihan
Ating gawing huwaran
Maging ilaw para sa bayan.

-Mervyn C. Tan (Editor-in-Chief A.Y. 2009-2011)

Thomasian Nurses: The Best or the Beast?

Column Name: Just Thoughts
Title: Thomasian Nurses: The Best or the Beast?
By: Mervyn C. Tan
“Congratulations for making it in the UST College of Nursing! Being accepted here would only mean you are the crème de la crème among thousands of people who aspired to enter this college!”
Or so we think.
This is not to spite our beloved Alma Mater, which has been nothing less of excellent in terms of performance and dedication. Instead, this is another perspective and perhaps a new challenge for the citizens of our college.
In this world where everyone seems to be the best in everything, or at least they perceive themselves to be, nothing you do ever seems good enough for anyone. It’s like anything and everything around you is insufficient and is coupled with a complaint or a criticism. What’s worse is that the voices of the aforementioned won’t settle for anything less than a ruckus.
Perhaps, it’s a normal course of nature, especially when a best from one end meets a best from another end—to slug it out in a face-off that could be chronic since no one would want to give in.
As we all know it, superlatives like the “best” should only be owned by a single entity—be it an individual or a group. If everyone would want to be the best, and won’t settle for being one of the best, competition persists and crab mentality may exist, eradicating the existence of a “common unity”. Instead, what would most likely exist is an unending battle of critical points, as one would only view things in his or her own spectacle and would be quick to spot the faults and loopholes committed by the other.
This prevents people from moving forward as they are fixated on being the best. Moreover, this would make them sustain their inability to accept and to be happy for another’s success.
This is the unfortunate predicament that besets most of the chronic, persistent, and cut-throat achievers in the world, who have received much praise and yet they still hunger for more. It continuously fosters one’s mentality of having to compete with another than to just compete with oneself, which simply aggravates the situation. It promotes one’s faulty mindset of infallibility, preventing someone to have the humility to accept his own flaws and defeat—which is just one marker of immaturity.
Rounding it up, it seems that pride is the number one enemy of much achievers. And if we would try to picture what would most likely be the conclusion of their stories, one might even confidently say that it would eventually lead to their great decline—all for the title of being the best.
But what do we mean by the best? Does it only focus on an individual’s intellect, skills and mastery? Or should we also consider one’s attitude?
Moreover, can the best turn into a beast who steps on others to get ahead?
As they say, the things we have to consider are knowledge, skills, and most especially, attitude. The best and the beast have a marked difference and it is vital for us to know it by heart.
The best possesses a quiet confidence, without a desire for self-proclamation. He or she is eventually recognized and appreciated by the ones around him or her. Moreover, his or her confidence is accompanied by proper behavior and right virtues, and not by a mere thirst for recognition.
Unlike the best, the beast finds a need for boastful declaration, hungers and searches for power, and abuses his or her control over others. If in case people follow him or her, it’s because of fear or force and not of reverence or respect.
The best would not choose to destructively pass on judgment. Advertently, his or her comments would be constructive in nature. Moreover, the best would make sure that fellow colleagues would be treated well and are given the ample opportunity to make things better.
Yet for a beast, it would be very easy to spot-the-not rather than to praise-the-grace. It’s comparable to an exploratory laparotomy, where a patient is placed under the knife, cut open, examined, diagnosed and then, left open and untreated...rendering him helpless and practically unable to recover. The beast has a keen sense in detecting the flaws of others and shooting disparagements where it is uncalled for. He or she would also be fast on sending low blows to give insult to injury and dampen one’s level of resilience.
The best would help his/her fellow back on his/her feet, while the beast would see someone lying on the ground and still kick them to the curb. Amidst crisis, the best would present solutions, while the beast would only bring damnation.
For the best, success is measured, not only through the recognitions he or she is given, but also through the friends and experiences he or she has gained. With such amiable personality, the best has people expressing support toward him or her, and he or she will never celebrate his or her success alone. Not to mention, he or she would also help others taste the kind of success that he or she has attained.
For the beast, success lies solely on fame and fortune. Unlike the best, the beast tells another story—preferring solitude in the limelight and celebration above everyone else.
As the University is celebrating its quadricentennial year and our college, its 65th anniversary, we, Thomasian nurses, continuously strive to be known as the best in our field, pressuring ourselves to be our best and to do our best. However, being reminded that we are the best, the standard and the cream-of-the-crop instills in us a kind of pride that we may not have actually earned – not yet. Not to mention, numerous students in our institution have a background of being achievers in their previous years. It can be said that it is difficult for a known achiever to shy away from having the need to achieve and prove that he or she is the best.
Thus, the sporadic occurrence of crab mentality in our surroundings takes place leaving no opportunities for other willing individuals to serve the college – a depressing sight as we see Thomasian nurses pit against fellow Thomasian nurses.  
This hinders us, our college, from the progress that it deserves. It impedes everyone from having a capacity to grow and from having a peaceful work environment.
 And at the end of all these, we realize: it would all depend on us.
Now, I ask you: what would you be, the best or the beast?