Monday, September 24, 2012

Bakit nga ba?

Bakit nga ba napapatigil ako sa tuwing maiisip kong magsulat? Ang dating sandigan ng aking kaluluwa ay pilit ko na lamang tinutulak palayo. Dati-rati yun lang ang aking tinatakbuhan at hinihingahan. Ngayon, tila nandidiri ako sa tuwing bubuksan ko ang aking computer para magsulat at magpahayag ng aking saloobin, damdamin o kuru-kuro. Marahil masyadong matindi ang pinsalang nadulot sa akin ng pagiging punong patnugot. Hindi rin naman ang pagsusulat bilang punong patnugot ang kinamuhian ko kung hindi ang bigat ng trabaho't responsibilidad na kinailangan kong pasanin. Nakakalungkot nga lang na kinailangan pang mangyari ito. Nakakalungkot lang rin na tila nadungisan na ang pagkakaibigan namin ng iilan sa kolehiyo. Mantakin mo, taon na rin ang nakalipas at iyon pa rin ang isinasaisip ko? Nagkaayos na rin naman kami't lahat lahat ngunit may mga bagay lang na tila hindi na maibabalik sa dati. May mga pinangarap rin akong hindi na natupad at may mga bagay rin akong isinakripisyo na minsan-minsan ay kinahihinayangan ko. Ngunit ang nagdaan ay nakalipas na't di na kailanma'y mabbaalikan. Ngayon, kinaluluksaan ko na lamang ang pagkamatay ng kaluluwang manunulat na dati-rati'y nagsusumigaw ng pagkabuhay.

Di ko lang maiwasang isipin, bakit nga ba kailangan kong patayin ang umaapoy na puso ng isang manunulat?

Saturday, September 22, 2012


The shortness of life never ceases to stun me.

I woke up this morning begrudgingly getting myself out of bed to attend Medwards rehearsals once again. A huge part of me wants to quit because I'm not feeling the old feeling that I had when we first performed last year. Not to mention, the academic load is quite overwhelming that even a little variation in my scheduled programming seemed to be too much for me. So, I packed my stuff and left immediately because I was already late... actually, the ride was going to be late for the next stop.  Unfortunately, I left a lot of things at home. It was resolved anyway, I asked my sister-in-law to bring it to UST before she goes to Manila. Anyway, I was trying to chill out for a few this morning and browsed using the Sun Broadband that my brother lent me. I was browsing around then I suddenly came across the Facebook page of my cousin's wife. She has been battling the Big C for quite some time now and she's been an inspiration to a lot of people. I was surprised that she had just passed away. I don't know really how to react. I'm not close with them but they're still family. I'm sad cause she's just a ray of light for everyone. Hopefully, that ray of light will never be shadowed despite her passing. Hope she's happy where she is now. Rest in peace, Atsi Mimi!

Thursday, September 20, 2012


Lately, it's just been an insane ride. The examinations piled up and were compressed to one part of the week that we just felt so saturated and readily combustible even before it ended. To be honest, I feel as if I didn't make it in some of the subjects and that's just somewhere that I'd rather not be in. I hate that place. I hate that state when you feel as if you just didn't make it.. that you were just not good enough. But then again, those are just grades. Anyway, I also joined Medwards this year. Hope it'll be fun.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012


It's as if I have none left in me anymore. I don't know how to fight like I used to. It's as if I've got no more fight left in me. I also just realized how much I haven't gone to church or the chapel. I don't know. I suppose that also contributes in my lack of spirit. It's as if life has been taken away and stoicism has took control and blowing away, damaging whatever I have built.


I just find myself unable to concentrate on my goals. I don't know what I should do to shift gears and start chasing after my goals. Maybe I don't find much meaning in them anymore but I am not happy with my not trying hard enough.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012


I won't deny that it doesn't really get better each day. It's always a drag and it becomes worse.

Sunday, September 2, 2012


Everything seems lifeless to me. It's as if everything has lost its reason and everything is just leading towards its own destruction.

I don't know if I still want to be in med school. The only thing, I suppose, that's anchoring my stay is the fact that I am no quitter. I hate the fact that it's not what I'm used to. I hate the fact that the volume is overwhelming and is basically hard to chew. I hate the fact that I am actually capable of failing an exam or two. I hate all of these facts but hating them won't really help me in my battles. It has sucked all the inspiration and motivation in me that I can't get myself to focus and be productive. All I am doing right now is trying to get by with the absence of heart. In parts, I want to stop the journey. I want to stop for a while and get things into perspective. But then again, I know this is just a stop in the road. I just need some break time - a time away from it all. I don't know if it's a burn out but I think it might be. I'm trying to have as much resilience as I can muster within me to overcome this but I don't know how much more I can take.

I've also noticed a lot of "disuse" atrophy. I suppose practice really does make things.. "perfect". And the lack thereof would make things quite dispensable. My writing skills also fall under this category. I went on a sabbatical and so did my writing skills. I'm very prone to grammar errors and the fluidity is practically non-exisent. To be honest, I somehow think that the same has happened with my brain. Ugh. Liquefactive Necrosis! :(

Another thing that's making things lifeless is the absence of a love life and the coming of my birthday. I hate feeling old.