Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Nakakapanibago. Ganun talaga. Maraming bahay ang nagbabago. Ganun ang buhay eh. Kaya sige lang. Sunod na lang sa alon. Tanggapin na lang ang mga katanggap-tanggap. At iwanan ang mga hindi na gustong balikan. Ganun naman talaga sa buhay.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today is my father's birthday. If he were alive, he would be 70 years old right now and a grandfather of 6. I don't really know if I would have my own room or if I would be in medical school if he was alive. I am not even sure if I would be who I am right now if he was still alive. His passing surely made me a lot stronger but I have to admit that I miss him. But that's life..

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Two Words.

I do.

It's crazy.. I've been watching videos of Lea's Wedding. tearjerker..

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Paying off

It's been a while since I've felt something pay off... even just a little. But I believe the effort was way enormous for me to reap such bearings..
Hi!! No erase! :) - Minnie :D

Wish we were born autodidacts. :(

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Prolonged Hiatus

The plan was to go back into writing from time to time. It's like I wanted to wean off from the burden that the editorship has brought me. I wanted to dissociate from my identity as the editor-in-chief. But with that, I also lost my identity as a writer. I know this would be a probable consequence of my sabbatical. Actually, I can't really say that I am out of the sabbatical. I don;t even know if you can call it a sabbatical. Somehow, I think it's a timely "I quit". Unfortunately, it was not the only thing that quit. It seems that the big part of my "personality" as the EIC also went with it. The seriousness, the focus, the determination the drive has all been replaced with the opposite of how I think I was.

I don't know if it's the subjects that I am taking or it's just plain me. But I am not liking how things are going. I don't like what I see. I suppose the best thing to do now is to make a change.

Let's start with some sort of a daily post. Even if they are stupid nothings. That's a step..

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Getting Sick

I have these superhuman moments. I act as if I'm above everyone else and I am an exception to the rule. It's not that I have a mentality that I'm a god or whatever. Hey, I believe in God. It's just that I forget to be normal once in a while because I'm too much of a perfectionist and I am very fixated on goals and success. Thus, once I'm in it, I'm usually all out and no-turning-back. Thus, when I got really sick, I was held back. Haha. I didn't really need to be forced out of doing anything that should be done because I knew it had to be done. I would hate to be confined in the hospital or even just brought to the ER but I didn't debate much anymore when I was told to be brought to the ER. Well, I told them to wait a while because I was still too dizzy to be transported. Then when they told me to absent myself the next day, I was hesitant but in the end I agreed because I was still dizzy for some moments. It's a good decision because I wouldn't have lasted the day. Food poisoning? I am not that certain really. It's a combination of many events. My body just needed to rest. Now, I'm back to school. I just hope my brain can keep up. :)

Saturday, June 15, 2013

I'm having trouble sleeping. For some reason, I have ruined my sleeping pattern once again. I just slept through some of the afternoon and now, I can't manage to get some shut eye. Well, actually.. I think there really is something more than that. I'm quite bothered with some things.

I can't seem to get myself to focus once again. It's as if I'm in my loop of starting some tasks and never really getting them done. I don't know. Somehow, I feel as if I am in disarray in terms of my school work. I don't have an organized schedule and I feel as if I am not handling the tasks well enough. But then again, school has just started and I don't think I'm doing as bad as I think I am. I haven't failed a quiz yet and I don't plan to fail anytime soon.

More than the academics, I think I'm really bothered with the matters of the heart. I want to be with her more often but I don't want her to feel so restricted and barricaded. I'm trying to find the right amount of presence to give to her so that she wouldn't feel all choked up and yet feel that I don't care. I do care. I want to know her more. I don't know if I can say that I love her already. To know is to love and I've been trying. But I guess she should be the one to open up on her own eventually. I can't force things. I don't want to. But I'll make ways to make it happen. I don't know why she feels as if she's just a rebound. I don't see that happening. I don't think she's worthy to be a rebound girl. I don't have the capacity to look for a rebound and I don't want others to experience what I did before. So, no.. She's not a rebound. I feel so attracted to her.. When I'm with her, I'm just happy. That's just it flat out. There's no other way that I could express it. Magaan lang talaga ang loob ko sa kanya at sana lang matutunan niya akong mahalin at hayaan niyang makilala ko siya. I can't love her until I know who she truly is.. But so far, I love her.. I don't think it makes sense. What does make sense 4 AM in the morning? I can't believe I'm opening up again. I feel so vulnerable.. It's like anytime, I'm allowing her to strike a dagger in my heart.. And to think I vowed to myself that I won't let anyone close enough to hurt me. Now, here I am. Argh. I dunno. I'm afraid but I believe she's worth it. I sound pathetic. Maybe I'm just sleepy. Argh. Whatever.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

First Day

For some reason, the first day is always the day where nothing goes on but I am pretty much nervous about anything and everything that might happen. I have a list of things that might go wrong and they don't but I still am preparing for it. this year I told myself that I will really exert all academic efforts and I am not going to be shy about it. I am trying to look for the schedules and work up my own. I hope things become productive over the succeeding days..

Friday, May 31, 2013

Days Before the Opening

It's just 2 days before the start of Academic Year 2013-2014 and I still have numerous things that I wish I could do. A big part of me doesn't want this summer vacation to end because this would be the last summer vacation that I will have - assuming I don't fail anything in Med School (which seems like something likely). This year, I'll be trying a shot at having Magna Cum Laude grades. I slipped a little last year and just got a very low mark. If I want to make up for it this year, I really have to hustle and focus on everything. But before I shift gears and go into that mode, I want to relish the remains of what will be my last summer vacation and do prepare myself for school. I mean I don't want to cram everything in the last minute. Come to think of it, I'll try to place everything on the weekends. My social life, I mean. I'll try to go out on weekends still despite the busy schedule. Maybe it can still work out. I mean I can make things happen when I want to. 

In another light, I guess this whole unchecked-things-to-do-list of my last summer vacation is just a testament to how I have been handling the situations that I've encountered recently. It's as if I'm not taking charge of the things that's happening in my life. Instead, I'm letting it get the best of me. I no longer make ways to get what I want. I just accept whatever is given to me. In other words, I've grown to be passive - which is not like me back then. Maybe it's time to get back to my roots and be who I used to be. It's good to realize this just days before the opening. :)

Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Awakening

Some things just never change... especially when it's deeply imbedded into the essence of your being. 

I've always been a writer and that's just plainly one of the personas that I will always embody. Perhaps there were additional roles such as being the writer-leader, student-leader and editor. But aside from that, I've always been a writer. I've been writing for more than half of my life and I cannot really imagine myself from completely stop expressing myself through my words. Unfortunately, there were a couple of stumbles along this path and I felt the aversion toward something that I absolutely love. 

After being the editor-in-chief for the Nursing Journal for two years, I suddenly felt some sort of aversion towards the craft. I tried to counter it by participating in an essay writing contest but it really didn't afford much cure. I felt like there was a huge part of me that was sucked away. I tried to go on a sabbatical but I felt as if I no longer want to come out of my "sabbatical". It was more like an escape from expressing myself through words again. I just loathed the idea of having myself write once more simply because I keep on recalling the challenges that I went through and how I forced myself to write and edit for days.. months.. years. And when I got out of that obligation, I just went on and tried to leave it permanently. That's just it really. But my friend, Marielle, told me to try blogging once more and perhaps it may be better. So, here I am. I'm trying to get it back before it's completely lost. I just hope I can. 

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Today, I attended the surprise celebration of my godmother. She's turning 70 this year and she still looks so strong. It was really touching what her children and grandchildren did for her. I shyly greeted her a happy birthday and she suddenly boasted about me becoming a doctor soon. I can't help but feel reminded of why I should focus on my studies once more. It's not anymore about me. It's also about their dreams for me as well. I guess I would always love singing but I think this path is going to be worth it in the long run.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

I don't know. I guess there's nothing left for me to do but to let it all out in this post. I don't know if I want to come back to med school again next year. I am so fucking tired and I no longer want to live. Honestly, I just want a way out. I want all of this to stop. I want to live a life freely not dictated by any parent. I find it really unfair that I would be dictated on what I should or should not do. What I feel or should not feel and yet they can all have the freedom that they have right now. I don't know. the problem with them is that to them it's all about the money. Giving me money to send me to school to feed me and all that fucking bull shit. As long as they do that to anyone, they fucking own that person. Unfortunately, the person is me. And then next time, when I can already fend for myself, it will still be the same fucking routine since I am a product of they're hardships. I don't know where's the justice in that. I love the idea of being a doctor in that I can help other people. I hate being the "prize" that they get for producing one. I hate being told that I don't do my part or that I have screwed up priorities. They never knew what I gave up for all these crappy shit that they have never experienced. I guess this is always the problem when you come from a non-medical family and your mom is pushing you to become a doctor. She always says, "Sige na, para may doctor tayo sa pamilya." All i can think of is, "If you want it so much, then why don't you become one." I am tired. I want to be who I want to be because I want it not because someone wants it for me. Truth be told, with my personality, I always get what I want. Thus, the eruption awhile ago. But I have limits. I am very tired of this puppet show that we've been putting up. I wish she had a different set of children. Ones that would make her beg to have us instead. I wish that she would have researched more and understood more. I wished she cared more. I wish she was actually a mother. I don't know. I felt like I have never had one ever since that incident anyway. What I had always had was a provider. Someone who'll just give me money and ask me to do things in return. I can't wait for this to be all over. I can't wait to have a way out. I want to kill myself. I just want to die. I just want to evaporate in this world without anyone knowing my existence. That would be a better fate than being controlled and subjected to such torture. Med school is never easy and the people there are just plain jerks. They suck the life out of people. Most of my colleagues have their family to go home to. Their families could help them. But I don't know what this place is called. I don't know if I can still call this a home. I can't breathe here. I would much rather kill myself than let them kill me.