Monday, November 7, 2011

The End

I should be cramming for Biochemistry and Anatomy right now. I would normally be undoing because I just came home from a friend's party and it's 11 o'clock. I have loads of duties and responsibilities to fulfill and yet I am on this page writing my thoughts away. Perhaps, it's mainly because of what is playing on TV right now - CheChe Lazaro Presents Suicide. Am I suicidal? I don't think so. I haven't committed suicide but I must admit that I had thoughts before when I became depressed. I've also heard someone told me to do it. Yes, it is indeed weird. I bet if you're reading this and you're clueless of who I am or even if you know who I am, you'd think I am crazy. I suppose I am. But I am still alive. Now, why would I be writing about this right now? It's simply because I am still bothered with what happened to my friend years ago..

It's over and done. It's been years. But I still can't get over what happened. There are days when I still couldn't accept the fact that he is gone and that he actually committed suicide. I still can't forgive myself for not doing anything at the least. I know for a fact that I can't do anything if he really wanted to kill himself but I can't help but think that I could have made him feel better and helped him get out of his depression. I guess it's because of the TV why I would be this affected with what had happened years ago. However, I am usually a mess during these times because his birthday and death anniversary is near. I still relive the moments when he last talked to me and when I last found out how things went. It was painful. We all had to accept it and move on. But the scars are still there. After what happened to him, I vowed to myself that I would do whatever I can to prevent something like this from happening again. I felt the pain that a friend/brother would feel if he loses someone by suicide and I don't dare inflict the same pain to any of my friends. Blah. This is so crazy, insane shitness. I hate this but this is what it is and I have to deal with it. I guess I'll just visit his grave soon.. I hope he's happy wherever he is now.

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