Monday, June 20, 2011

At the Back of My Mind

Today, a shadow that brings light haunts me again. 

Time may have been an essential element to bring about acceptance in life. But the memories that remain cannot be shattered through the test of time. Apparently, the feelings have the same fate. 

Years have passed since a heartbreaking event took place and although the occurrence itself had made me stronger, it still reserved a soft spot that can always be triggered. They say that when you lose someone or something, there is something to be gained. But then, when you lose someone or something this important, no gain can simply replace the loss or even compensate for it at the very least. 

As I trudge across the seemingly endless road, I think back on all the reasons that I venture on. Am I doing it right? Am I making him proud? Am I being the best that I can be to bring justice to his name? 

There simply are days when I will have to ponder on these thoughts time and time again. There are simple fragments of instances where I will stop at what I am doing and take a step back to reassess if this is where I want to be - if this is where he would have wanted me to go or perhaps if I am making him proud. A decade may have passed but the residues still remain. I believe it's not anything bad. It doesn't hold me back. It just makes me go on and on. It makes me reevaluate the path that I am taking, how I am taking it and how I should see it in an appropriate light. I don't know as much. I opt not to dream and communicate through my subconscious or unconscious. I don't welcome that space unlike my siblings who can readily see what message was meant to be sent. And I'm greatly appreciative that I am not one to sense because my active imagination brought about by my "creative" writing sense make me fixated at the preschooler stage. But I believe I have my own way of communicating with him. I miss him. I still love him and it will forever stay that way. How can it not be? 

More than a decade may have passed... Perhaps even after many decades will pass but that 10 years would never be forgotten. Thank you, Daddy. I love you. Happy Father's Day! I suppose I'll be intensely thinking about you again on August. I'm always lost in my thoughts during that month. Hope you're proud of who I am right now. :) 

***And I thought I wouldn't be writing again. A short story from my brother about a dream he had a while ago made me lost in my thoughts and started typing in some words. Same rule applies... Write to express, not to impress. I'm no longer an EIC.. Just the same old writer that I enjoyed being.. and this is my therapy. 

1 comment:

  1. Good to hear that kuya mervyn!:) hope you are doing well. matulog ka naman.hehe