Release

I can't describe how bad it hurts to be in Medicine and be less than mediocre here. It's so hard when you are used to getting by so well and then suddenly feel as if you are as good as trash in a different world.

I just really hope that I am really having difficulty adjusting because that would mean that it's bound to get better. Otherwise, it would just flat out suck. :(

Actions speak louder than words

Just today, I had this epiphany. Words are futile and actions are more effecting than those words. I have to do things and not say that I have to do them. I noticed that that has been the difference lately. It's always scheduling to do this and accomplish that. When the scheduling means nothing compared with actually doing it. I should keep that perspective. Actions speak louder than words.

Academic Frustrations

Our 1st shifting grades were just released last week and saying that I am frustrated with my remarks is a complete understatement of how I am feeling right now. I know I could have really done better and displayed more maturity to save the disaster that I am beset with right now. To be honest, I am not really certain how I'll be able to bounce back from this dilemma. I guess I have no choice but to pick the shattered pieces one by one and let the wounds heal. 

They always tell me that I have the capacity to bounce back or I'll be able to find my way. I can't help but think, "What if I can't?" But what the heck. I just have to keep on trying. One step at a time. Life is not about maintenance. It's resilience. I need to keep that or find that. 

So, I Write Again

I key in a letter to form a word. A word that I'm hoping would be able to illuminate the shadow of my thoughts. Then, I realized that it wasn't enough for me. I need a whole sentence. I typed in more words to make it complete. I was able to complete my sentence. But I felt something inside that made me want to go on. So, I let things loose and started to go on with my scribbling. Before I knew it, I'm suddenly doing what I loved to do once again. I suppose the heart of a writer can never cease beating unless life was taken away from him.

I am a writer. I live in my words and my words breathe me. We are two inseparable entities. We may take a vacation from each other only to preserve our relationship but never to completely divorce from one another. I am a writer who has climbed his way to the top of the chain. Now, I'm beyond the chains and positions. It's merely for maintaining the literary nirvana the writer in me has longed for. I write for no greater impressions nor to hide my inhibitions. It's for pure expression and storytelling. With that, I need nothing more.

Again and again

Now, the time has come once again for the self-absorbed and self-conceited to reign. My mom's birthday is coming up and she's throwing another celebration. I don't know. I'm not that inclined to celebrating. They killed my birthdays year after year at some point in my life and the disappointments made me believe that there is nothing special to celebrate about every birthday except being thankful that God gave me another day. I mean.. counting by years is counting things collectively. Why not go for the days instead? That would make you realize how much more you are blessed by virtue of the great number that can be very appealing to the human eye.

Anyhow, I am really grateful for another year that my mom has reached and I do hope that she would have many more years to come. I'm just not that inclined to her celebrations. It can really be a stress inducer. I am lucky to have avoided it because of my medical shiznitz. Don't get me wrong. I like to be the one to throw and sponsor or organize her party. It's just not feasible with me being a medical student. Add to that, my siblings aren't really setting an example. they haven't organized a damn thing. Plus, who can when my mom organizes her own? Hehe. Oh well. I'm just going to try to enjoy it. So, for now, I shall study my butt off because I know it will be an insane week. 

break.

Today was Physio Shifting exams day and I let myself go.

Clearly, I've been going through some personal ordeals. I tried to lock myself away and focus but I just can't do that because I can't seem to let this go. So, even as much as I persisted to study for the exams, I wasn't able to do well. This has always been the case when it comes to dealing with things that really get to me. It got to me.

I'm just quite grateful for the relaxation mode after the exam. I don't usually hang with people and play. But I'm glad to have done otherwise. It was a good day of playing Rockband with some Med friends and meet up with my Nursing friends afterward. However, it just sucks that I have to be here at home now.. back in this miserable place.

If I was taken away from you right now, at this very second, would it even matter?
Would you even care?
Did you ever care?
How much do I mean to you?
By now, you probably learned how to sum me up to a few pieces of your precious and beloved bills.
I have been equated to just one of your many accounts which you can exchange.
That's how easy it is, isn't it?
I don't mean a thing to you at all.
I'm just a son that you've converted to a slave of all your wants.
After much utilization, I have no other worth.
I am not one that you love nor to your opinion brings about honor.
I am not one that you find worth supporting but you just love to emburden.
It's okay for me to lose everything just as long as my brothers won't lose anything.
It's easy for you to let me go because you believe that I can stand alone.
Yes, you've neglected me more than everyone else even when I was still young.
I'm tired and I want out.
That's it. You've caused me more pain than anyone else.
I wish you knew this somehow.
I can no longer take care of you.

How much do you know me?

How much do you know me?
Apart from my name,
What else do you know?
What else do you CARE to know about me?
Apart from the blood,
and perhaps some traits and mannerisms,
what binds us together?
What other links exist to connect us with each other?
Do I matter to you?
Did I ever?

I had never imagined that my worth to be degraded to a few material things.
I never imagined life to be this difficult
that you would make it this difficult for me.
I don't know how to feel anymore at times.
I just want out.
I just want to let go and let things fall apart.
I can no longer hold on to things that I wish were still here.
I can no longer let you hold me back and pull me down.
I won't allow you to hurt me anymore.

I miss him. I wish he was still here. I felt more loved by him than you.
I wish I could tell you all of these. I wish I could scream them to your face.
I don't believe that you love me. I haven't believed in that for a long time now.
You made me doubt the phrase that there is no parent that doesn't love his/her child.
You made me spite all the TV shows that depict a parent loving the child more than himself or herself.
I lost faith in you. I lost all hope.
I no longer believe that things can be better. I don't believe that there could be a better tomorrow.
I'm tired.
I'm beaten.
I'm broken down.
Now, I don't believe that I have any place that I can call home.
You don't know how much you've made my life so difficult.
You don't know how many times that I wanted to just kill myself so that I do not need to bear with this.
I'm done.
I'm tired.
I honestly just want to drop dead right now.
I don't want to live anymore if this is the predicament that I would always have to face.
I can't be the perfect son.
You are asking for all the unreasonable things in the world.
It sucks.
You suck.
I wish that somehow this would dawn upon you.
I'm trying.
Please try too.

Catharsis

Apparently, I was not able to update my public blog anymore. 

As I said, I have  a private blog and a public blog. I just ranted too much in my private blog, I suppose, and I never made an entry that would be suitable for the public's eye. But now, I'm back to writing and probably inserting some rants here and there. 

As you may know, I am currently in UST Med School and I am really having a hard time coping with all the stresses. I am not used to getting low scores. I am not used to being at the bottom of the chain. I'm not that much of an achiever. I'm not always on top nor am I on top. I don't plan to be anyway. It's just that I'm always at the upper bracket. So, being in the lower to middle bracket is just something that I am not used to. I am not doing well. I am just surviving, hanging on a thread and bordering on failure. I need to focus now. I need to let things go and let myself do the best that I can. Thus, I write again. 

It's so difficult for me to do so badly each day. I've gone through depression for a few weeks back because I feel that I've been degraded into a good for nothing pile of dirt. I wish I could somehow do better just good enough to graduate with honors. I will need it if I want a good career in Medicine. But I suppose it will only be given to me if it's meant for me. But heck! I shall work for it nonetheless. 

In another department, love is quite a distant stranger nowadays. 

I don't know how she feels really. Somehow, I feel that she's skeptical and she wants me to take a committed step. But I just can't. I don't know if there's a future for us. I don't think she's open to it as well. I don't know. I'm sparing myself from a devastating heart break. Ack. I'll stop now and start studying. 

I just want out of this black hole. 

Rediscovery

I've hated writing for quite some time. I hated it because I forced myself to write so many times just because my job compels me too. There was no passion, no meaning.. no reason. It was purely transactional and devoid of any inspiration that I would normally have even with the word choice and the phrasing stylistics I employ. It was just purely for the sake of accomplishing the task and making sure that it was an article decent enough to be written by the 2-time editor-in-chief of the UST Nursing Journal.

My term is over and now, I am back to being a normal writer/blogger who has no obligations of making everything as perfect as how the ideal picture would be. I can make mistakes and no one would really magnify it. Well, at least not to the magnitude as it used to be.

I can write again. I can express again. Little by little it has come back. Now, I just need to hold on to it and not let the extreme measures subject it to the previous torture that it had endured.

At the Back of My Mind

Today, a shadow that brings light haunts me again. 

Time may have been an essential element to bring about acceptance in life. But the memories that remain cannot be shattered through the test of time. Apparently, the feelings have the same fate. 

Years have passed since a heartbreaking event took place and although the occurrence itself had made me stronger, it still reserved a soft spot that can always be triggered. They say that when you lose someone or something, there is something to be gained. But then, when you lose someone or something this important, no gain can simply replace the loss or even compensate for it at the very least. 

As I trudge across the seemingly endless road, I think back on all the reasons that I venture on. Am I doing it right? Am I making him proud? Am I being the best that I can be to bring justice to his name? 

There simply are days when I will have to ponder on these thoughts time and time again. There are simple fragments of instances where I will stop at what I am doing and take a step back to reassess if this is where I want to be - if this is where he would have wanted me to go or perhaps if I am making him proud. A decade may have passed but the residues still remain. I believe it's not anything bad. It doesn't hold me back. It just makes me go on and on. It makes me reevaluate the path that I am taking, how I am taking it and how I should see it in an appropriate light. I don't know as much. I opt not to dream and communicate through my subconscious or unconscious. I don't welcome that space unlike my siblings who can readily see what message was meant to be sent. And I'm greatly appreciative that I am not one to sense because my active imagination brought about by my "creative" writing sense make me fixated at the preschooler stage. But I believe I have my own way of communicating with him. I miss him. I still love him and it will forever stay that way. How can it not be? 

More than a decade may have passed... Perhaps even after many decades will pass but that 10 years would never be forgotten. Thank you, Daddy. I love you. Happy Father's Day! I suppose I'll be intensely thinking about you again on August. I'm always lost in my thoughts during that month. Hope you're proud of who I am right now. :) 

***And I thought I wouldn't be writing again. A short story from my brother about a dream he had a while ago made me lost in my thoughts and started typing in some words. Same rule applies... Write to express, not to impress. I'm no longer an EIC.. Just the same old writer that I enjoyed being.. and this is my therapy. 

Battle

Everyday seems to be a battle between me and my fears. The outcome would just depend upon my choice of succumbing to it or overcoming it.

Can I really do it? - such an overused question I throw at myself. The results would range from me succumbing to my fears or me victoring over them. It's always a choice.... and I have to keep that in mind.

First Day

I wasn't really that ecstatic about my first day in med school. Somehow, it seemed as if it was an extension of Nursing or a fifth year so to speak. But it's more hellish. I'm not so used to being a nobody in Med. But I guess that's okay too since I would want to have a different feel to it. I'll just focus on my studies now.

First day jitters all over again

Tomorrow (or should I say later) would be the start of a new chapter for me.

Tomorrow would be the first day of my being a Medicine student. I don't really know what's going to happen or what the hell I entered in. I have no idea. I just wish, hope and pray that this journey would only be a good ride. hopefully, it would be a better venture than what I had in Nursing and that I would actually meet great people and make incredible friends. I'm happy that I am going to enter this part of my life with some old faces whom I've grown accustomed to in the past few years. I just hope things would go well and that I would be able to be victorious all throughout the challenges. My past is behind me now. It's a new beginning - a chance to start all over again. I will make it better. :)

Well, first day jitters would involve forcing myself to sleep. Haha. Wish me luck on that. :))

Until then. Good bye! :)

Random Fact No. 5

I have a short temper. I really can't endure things when plug has been sparked. I easily get ticked off with things and I throw a fit when I can no longer control how mad I am. This usually happens when things are work-related and escape is not possible. But for the instances that it is possible, I just leave. It's something that I have been working on for so long. Well, it's better now but it's not yet completely okay.